I Ate Her Face With a Nice Chianti and Some Fava Beans

A few weeks back, when I had all those moles removed from my face, the surgeon offered me a rare opportunity to come back and have a laser treatment for fractions of what it would normally cost. Now she's not some dentist performing laser and injecting 'faux-tox' in his office, she is board-certified in just about everything you can be board certified in and has schloads of diplomas(not from Guatemala) and professional accolades(not from her mom).

She was looking for a few Guinea pigs test cases for her before and after portfolio and I was a good candidate. For one thing, I have a few conditions that respond very well to lasers, some pigment I got when I was preggo, some large pores, a few mild acne scars, and broken capillaries around my nose. I also have a client base that I could refer to her if I was happy with the procedure.

So I began today as a happy, little Guinea pig, ready to have my face lasered in the name of progress, science and rock-bottom priced vanity. This is the first 'procedure' I've had besides mole removal. I turn 35 this year and figure some small upkeep along the way can stave off or at least delay any big ticket face fixing(notice my plastic surgery fund donate button).

I was instructed to come in with a clean face, no makeup, no sunscreen, no moisturizer, nothing. Now I haven't left the house without undereye concealer since 1994, mascara's a must since my lashes are almost transparent and leave the house with no sunscreen, you know how I feel about that. So I brought cleanser to wash my face and did it in their bathroom before my visit. I just couldn't let all of the people I'd see upon entering the building get a load of me with my giant dark circles and nonexistent lashes.

As soon as I got there, they frosted my face like a cake with some numbing agent. It was only in those quiet moments sitting by myself in the examination room, my face slowly going numb, that a smidge of anxiety began to creep in. But me, never one to turn my nose up at low cost medical treatments, I trudged forward.

So, I had my two laser treatments and I can honestly tell you that they hardly hurt at all. I would rather do that than go to the dentist any day. I can also honestly tell you that I shouldn't have wasted time worrying about what people were going to think of me with no mascara or concealer because it was going to be way worse upon exiting the building.

Now I should state that I was the one who said be aggressive so I take full responsibility but wow, being a vegetarian the last thing I wanted my face to look like was a plate of ground beef. I look like that guard that got his face eaten off by Hannibal Lector. I would post a picture here if I wasn't afraid that it would be offensive to people(this coming from a girl who put a full-blown graphic sex scene in her blog).

My husband actually shuddered when I came home and he saw my face. My baby didn't notice, my four year old looked at me quizzically for about 2 seconds and went back to her playdogh and my seven year old told me it looked cool and asked me about the laser. Let me just say that the final result better be fanfuckingtastic because right now, I look tore up.

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