The Accidental Brazilian

Today is Friday and as most of you know, I have a long day ahead of me defuzzing the women(and sometimes men) of sunny, Southern California. I have been asked to tell more stories about the spa. What's that you say Virgina, you want a story?

I had many of you ask me about the dirty girls, and ugly chachas and weird customers and yes, I have them but what comes to mind, since I've already detailed for you what goes on during the bikini wax, is what happens after the wax. Or at least as my clients related it to me after the fact.

Some of my clients came to me already seasoned waxers. Some were virgins who started with a modest 'edge of leg' bikini wax and worked their way to the Brazilian as they became more comfortable with the process and no doubt, more comfortable with me. Some newbies wanted it all off from the get go, and some Brazilians were purely accidental.

How does one have an accidental Brazilian you wonder? You get one because your esthetician got confused.

This particular client I will call Liesl(yes, it's a Sound of Music shout out) Liesl was in her early forties, a bit reserved and shy and newly single after a painful, protracted divorce. She had been coming to me for facials to clear up a case of adult hormonal/stress acne and as she began dating again, she expressed some curiosity in waxing. I gave her the lowdown and she said,


"Oh, Christine, I'm getting terrified just thinking about it, it's not the pain I just don't think I could ever take my clothes off for you, I'm way too shy."

I reassured her like I do so many other women that I perform chacha waxes so frequently that the nudity doesn't even register with me anymore.

She continued her facials for the next few months and she'd tell me stories about getting back into the dating world, the men she was meeting, the perils and the pitfalls. She'd regale me with stories of disastrous dates, some of them funny, most a bit sad. It seemed she was meeting every bum, deviant, freeloader, criminal, sponger, loser and cad in the metro-area. She was a very nice person and after the garbage her ex had put her through , she deserved a good guy.

She also started to lose some weight and get into shape, one of the side effects of divorce I'm told. As she got in better shape, I think her physical confidence grew and she started talking about getting waxed again. She also told me that she had started seeing somebody new and thought it might be a nice surprise and a way to spice it up a little. As her confidence grew, she was getting bolder in general and it looked good on her.

She still expressed hesitance and shyness but made an appointment for a week later. On that day she came in and as I was prepping, she said the same sort of thing to me that nearly every woman says,

"Oh Christine, I'm soooo hairy, don't be shocked, don't look at my stomach, sorry I didn't shave my legs, oh, I need a pedicure."
Look, as long as your business is clean and your feet don't stink, you're good in my book. I don't even care if your feet are dirty, this is the land of flip flops and I've gotten used to it. It's not like hairy legs gets in the way of a bikini wax anyway.

So she gets on the table and she is squealing with embarrassment. Her hands are over her face, she is already grimacing and I haven't even started. I ask her what I ask most new clients,

"Are we leaving anything behind?

"Well, what are my choices?"

"Most people opt for everything off, some people like a strip of hair, some people like a petite triangle, some people like the thumb-size patch(I hate this one it makes it look like a Hitler vag) but technically the Brazilian is everything south of the Equator and whatever you want on the top."

"Well what do you think?"

"I've gone back and forth, I usually go fully bare and sometimes when I want some contouring, I sport the petite triangle."

"Ok, give me what you've got."
So I took it all off, and she did better than I thought.

Until she looked down.

"Christine, where did it all go, you mugged me, I got nothing left."

"I thought you wanted it all off, you said give me what you have?"

"I meant the triangle, not everything, for Christ's sake I look like a six year old."

"Oh Liesl, I'm sorry, I misunderstood you. I wish I would have given you what you wanted but look on the bright side, unlike a bad haircut, not many people will see this as it grows out, but I am really sorry."

"Well, it's ok I guess," she said as she inspected her smooth skin. "I'm just afraid that the boyfriend is going to think it's too much."

"Too much what?"

"Too much, you know, too much vagina."

"If my experience counts for anything, he'll like it."

"But why do they like it anyhow, is it because you look like a child cause that's weird."

"No, its because men are visual and with hair there, they can't see much. They also like the idea that you go through this complicated and painful ritual to present it to them, it's like your punani on a silver platter"

"I don't know but I guess we'll see."

She left and I felt really bad that I'd misunderstood. At the end of the day I knew it wasn't that big of deal, but I like clients to leave with what they wanted. I worked through the rest of the day, cleaned up and locked up and went home.

When I returned the next day I went to check the messages and the first one was from Liesl, the time stamp on it said something like 2am. I got that panicky feeling that maybe she'd left and got upset about it and I was going to get a tongue lashing or worse.

Beep: (in a hushed voice)Hi Christine it's Liesl, he absolutely lost. his. shit.
He went nuts, he spent like an hour just staring at it and the next hour with
his face buried in it, we are so doing this from now on, thank you, thank you,
once again thank you, a thousand thank yous, mark me down for the year.

True customer satisfaction, it's a beautiful thing. They were also married a year later, I still see her and she is a very happy women, and I feel like I got to play a small part in it.

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11 comments:

Captain Steve said... August 15, 2008 at 9:22 AM  

That's so cute for her! I had to tell my roommate about Hitler vag, I was laughing too hard to hide it.

prayingtodarwin said... August 15, 2008 at 9:23 AM  

Awww! That is the most heartwarming story I've read about a vagina all day. I had the same concern the first time the boyfriend (now husband) talked me into it: "So, you LIKE me to look like a 5 year old? So long, you sick fucker!" But, much like Liesl, I (ahem) got over it.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said... August 15, 2008 at 9:25 AM  

FUCK. I hope I get a marriage proposal after my waxing!!!

Ok and the Hitler Vag? OMFG, that's hilarious!!!

2 Vermont Chitlins said... August 15, 2008 at 11:53 AM  

lordy lordy lady....hahahaha!

I love the fact that she was comfortable enough to tell you that he had his face buried in it for an hour.....guess her modesty went the way of her pubes!

And why can't you do an east coast trip dammit?? The Husband would be so.excited.

Jay said... August 15, 2008 at 2:43 PM  

BWAHAHAHAHA!!! That is the funniest thing I've heard all day!! That message! It's both sweet and hilarious at the same time!!

'Hitler vag'! ROFL!

sarahbobeara said... August 15, 2008 at 8:23 PM  

that is awesome that she called to let you know how pleased she was with your job. now you have me wondering what my hubby would think...

greenbeanfx said... August 15, 2008 at 11:19 PM  

Too bad the same thing can't work for guys. If my wife came home and I had the balls to give myself a male brazilian (if there is such a term), with a big fat grin. "Look Honey! Think of it as my penis on a nice shiny platter!" ..call it a hunch. But it may not end well.

So does your spa place have those fancy lasers, and do you guys do balloon knot bleaching? Heard that was the 'in' thing from the vacuous LA crowd.

Formerly Fun said... August 16, 2008 at 8:20 AM  

Captain steve
A surprising amount of women want this, it's like a thumbprint, for me, besides the hitler factor, I think what's the point of leaving a thumbprint? It just looks like someone didn't finish the job. Or it says, look, I'm not one of those slutty, Brazilian girls, I have a patch, no bjs for anyone 'cause I'm not freaky like that, see I have a patch.

prayingtodarwin-
You can always count on me for a heartwarming vag story. I initially thought the same thing but got over it to. The first time I id it was for a guy and then I never stopped, even during dry spells, just liked the esthetic. Plus, not like you want to hold the nookie over hubs head or use it control your luv but a few little things they think you do for their benefit go a long way towards backrubs and household help I've found.

dph-
You need to get your arse on the road and put that cooter to good use.

2vc-
I know, she went from shy to oversharer which I like 'cause I overshare all. the. time. I guess after having me hover over her girl parts nothing was verboten.

Jay
Thanks, yeah the Hitler vag, why bother, unless you want it saluted I guess.

sarahbobeara
Pick an anniversary or birthday when you don't know what to get him or don't have too much money to spend and blow his socks off. Make sure to do a day or so bfore so skin has a chance to calm down. Seriously, make arrangments to have kids elsewhere, do a little candles and such, he'll think oh this is so sweet she's setting the mood tryin--wha, huh, holy shizzle, what's going on there? Get over here.

Greenbean-
Depends on the girl I guess. While I myself would rather see jewelry on that silver platter, I still appreciate a bit of attention and grooming, I think most girls do.

You're right though, most women would probably be like, get that thing off my grandma's antique silver platter! You could put it in a box like that SNL Justin Timberlake sketch 'cock in a box'.

No lasers(I wish) and no butt bleaching, no winker whitening. Even I have my limits.

MJ said... August 18, 2008 at 7:48 AM  

What a cute story! Even good vajayjay stories make me smile :D

KaritaG said... August 19, 2008 at 3:10 PM  

OMG that made me laugh so hard, sorry I am a few days behind on reading. And I totally don't get the child thing. I'm sorry, but no matter how hairless I am, I definitely look like a FULL GROWN WOMAN. I don't even see the connection, honestly...it's like, if I quit wearing makeup, do I look like I am 6? No? How about if I put on some cute mary janes? Still no? But if I wax my vag, I morph into a child somehow?

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