Don't Put That In Your Mouth

Now more extreme than ever! With 20% more Tuscan flavor, 40% more high-fructose corn syrup, and 30% less actual food, fortified with Omega, green tea,DHA, extra indigestion, and crispier than ever thanks to the miracles of hydrogenation!


Last week I took a rare trip to the supermarket. I almost never go to the actual supermarket because I order my groceries online and have them delivered from the virtual supermarket. I am a lazy woman who would have my yearly pap smear online if I could, but I was on the prowl for mousetraps, a story for another time.

I walked through the pneumatic sliders and into the 7th circle of hell. What happened to grocery stores carrying food? Coffee bars, soup/salad bars, meat carving stations, oh my. There were giant displays of school supplies, pet clothes and lawn furniture. It took me awhile to spot the food.

I walked around in awe of all the stuff. I was totally distracted from my intended blitzkrieg mission, their intent I'm certain. I ambled down the frozen food section and saw the most horrific thing I have ever witnessed, a pancake riddled with chocolate chips, wrapped around a pork sausage and impaled on a stick. There's a reason food like this is usually only found at the county fair, because if you eat it more than once a year, it's toxic. You know, unless you are actually clinically starving, this can in no way be considered food.

Next, I almost stumbled over an end aisle display with the new Snickers Charged bar. Do you know what this is? It's a chocolate bar with extra caffeine added to, in their own words, "meet consumer needs and help millions of Americans take back their energy-zapped afternoons, Snickers is proclaiming the post-lunch, pre-dinner hour between two and three p.m. the Snickers Charged Re-Power Hour.” Nevermind voting in the upcoming election, just make sure you take back your energy-zapped afternoons people, know your priorities.
There's an image of a rhino on the package which is funny because I don't associate rhinos with lots of energy, they kind of just sit there. Maybe they should have used a monkey, like one of those crazy, hyper, bouncy monkeys or a Jack Russell Terrier, they are the very definition of high-energy, they're like the tweakers of the dog world.

These bars boost the amount of caffeine generally found in two cans of regular cola. Oh, and they have added Taurine. Taurine is an amino acid that can help with eyesight. I think the makers of Snickers are somehow in cahoots with the video game manufacturers. Get our kids eyesight tip top and get them amped on caffeine and they can stay up all night feeding their video game addiction. The kids that start the day with their Cokes, Starbucks, Redbull can now add to the mix their super charged Snickers.

Next I headed into the cereal aisle when I saw something called Cereal Straws. Did you know that 'they're strawesome'? For fuck sake, this is not cereal, nor should it be in the breakfast aisle. If anything, these should be in the dessert aisle, or better yet, the high-fructose corn syrup aisle. Strawesome? Really? You know what's really strawesome? Living without diabetes.

And what is it with the odd product hybrids? Have you seen Dawn's Simple Pleasures dish soap and airfreshener? It has vented plastic in the bottom with loose plastic fragrance beads. More plastic packaging in the wake of dwindling fossil fuel supplies, yipee. If things are getting that stinky around your house maybe you should just clean your kitchen. I've got to believe that all this scented product stuff around can't be that good for our sniffers.

Another conspiracy theory is creeping up on me, humor me for a moment. Maybe the food industry is pushing all this scented airwick, Febreeze, Plug It In, Plug It Up crap on us because it's purposefully numbing and dumbing down our sense of smell. Therefore when we buy their non-food food, their high fructose, fruit-flavored, genetically engineered for colour strawberries that don't taste like strawberries, crappy McCraptastic engineered food(I use that term loosely, like your stools if you eat this stuff), we won't be able to tell the difference.

Other hybrids I found included deodorant with self-tanners because, you know, who doesn't want to sport golden bronzed armpits. And on the subject of deodorant, Asian Pear? Chai tea? Summer Melon? Arctic Apple? Since when did armpits become a bastion for culinary-based scents, this is wrong. Mmmm, Vanilla Chai ice cream, this is good.


Vanilla Chai scented stink-guard, this is not good.

And why is everything Tuscan all of a sudden? What's so great about Tuscany anyhow? You know what usually makes stuff Tuscan? Garlic and rosemary, that's right add garlic and rosemary to anything and you can call it Tuscan. In fact, I'm sure Proctor & Gamble are working on a Tuscan-scented deodorant this very minute so you too can smell like the Olive Garden.

Another one in this same camp is extreme, everything's got to be extreme or lovers. I want to see the Extreme, Tuscan-lovers style Pizza Hut Pizza. There's Meat Lovers, cheese lovers, they should just be honest and call it like it is, artery clogging, hope you have good health insurance, heart medication lovers.

Don't even get me started on Bifudis Regularis and all the other brands of yogurt that are supposed to make me poop.

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10 comments:

A Free Man said... August 5, 2008 at 9:16 PM  

You know, I was trying to remember why I live abroad the other day. Thanks for the reminder. It'd be really funny if it weren't true...

Rassles said... August 5, 2008 at 11:41 PM  

Dude, seriously, have you ever had pigs n' a blanket on a stick? Because it's friggin' delicious.

homer said... August 6, 2008 at 7:44 AM  

mmmmm,chocolate chip pancakes on a sausage(drooling).

Practically Joe said... August 6, 2008 at 7:57 AM  

A virtual supermarket? No way! I just posted yesterday how much fun it is to go food shopping. You really don't know what you're missing.
Me: Do you carry Paul Newman dressing in a bottle?
Store Manager: Yes, Aisle seven.
Me: Ok ... I'll go cover him up.

MJ said... August 6, 2008 at 9:34 AM  

"a Jack Russell Terrier, they are the very definition of high-energy, they're like the tweakers of the dog world"

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Lady you crack me up! I've rolled you on my blog....

RiverPoet said... August 6, 2008 at 11:32 AM  

Nasty, nasty, nasty chemical excuses for food! And have you tried to avoid HFCS lately? You have to pretty much stick to dairy, produce, meat, and actual whole grains that you have to cook up into something. With everything else, it's ingredient 3 or 4.

Seriously...I thought you were kidding with the chocolate chip pancake on a sausage on a STEEK. Bleh!

Peace - D

Dirty Pirate Hooker said... August 6, 2008 at 11:43 AM  

I feel dirty after reading this post.

My daughter loves the pancake wrapped sausages on a stick, she has the fruit loop cereal straws (sip, dip, munch) and I have that deoderant.

Sugar Daddy said... August 6, 2008 at 1:31 PM  

mmmm, cereal straws....

Jay said... August 6, 2008 at 5:50 PM  

You know what? When we went shopping this week, Other Half suddenly stopped dead in the middle of the aisle and gazing around said -

'What IS all this stuff?'

And I had to agree. Most was completely unnecessary and designed purely to get us to part with our money on the basis of novelty value.

You are not alone. ;)

floridagirlinsydney said... August 7, 2008 at 6:48 AM  

I've only been out of the U.S. for a year, and I cannot believe they came out with fruit loops in the form of a straw and whatever the fuck that pancake thing was.

But when you grocery shop at WOOLWORTHS (that's my grocery store in Sydney- they deliver too)-- but our choices here are slim pickins!

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