Now more extreme than ever! With 20% more Tuscan flavor, 40% more high-fructose corn syrup, and 30% less actual food, fortified with Omega, green tea,DHA, extra indigestion, and crispier than ever thanks to the miracles of hydrogenation!

There's an image of a rhino on the package which is funny because I don't associate rhinos with lots of energy, they kind of just sit there. Maybe they should have used a monkey, like one of those crazy, hyper, bouncy monkeys or a Jack Russell Terrier, they are the very definition of high-energy, they're like the tweakers of the dog world.

These bars boost the amount of caffeine generally found in two cans of regular cola. Oh, and they have added Taurine. Taurine is an amino acid that can help with eyesight. I think the makers of Snickers are somehow in cahoots with the video game manufacturers. Get our kids eyesight tip top and get them amped on caffeine and they can stay up all night feeding their video game addiction. The kids that start the day with their Cokes, Starbucks, Redbull can now add to the mix their super charged Snickers.

Next I headed into the cereal aisle when I saw something called Cereal Straws. Did you know that 'they're strawesome'? For fuck sake, this is not cereal, nor should it be in the breakfast aisle. If anything, these should be in the dessert aisle, or better yet, the high-fructose corn syrup aisle. Strawesome? Really? You know what's really strawesome? Living without diabetes.

And what is it with the odd product hybrids? Have you seen Dawn's Simple Pleasures dish soap and airfreshener? It has vented plastic in the bottom with loose plastic fragrance beads. More plastic packaging in the wake of dwindling fossil fuel supplies, yipee. If things are getting that stinky around your house maybe you should just clean your kitchen. I've got to believe that all this scented product stuff around can't be that good for our sniffers.

Another conspiracy theory is creeping up on me, humor me for a moment. Maybe the food industry is pushing all this scented airwick, Febreeze, Plug It In, Plug It Up crap on us because it's purposefully numbing and dumbing down our sense of smell. Therefore when we buy their non-food food, their high fructose, fruit-flavored, genetically engineered for colour strawberries that don't taste like strawberries, crappy McCraptastic engineered food(I use that term loosely, like your stools if you eat this stuff), we won't be able to tell the difference.

Other hybrids I found included deodorant with self-tanners because, you know, who doesn't want to sport golden bronzed armpits. And on the subject of deodorant, Asian Pear? Chai tea? Summer Melon? Arctic Apple? Since when did armpits become a bastion for culinary-based scents, this is wrong. Mmmm, Vanilla Chai ice cream, this is good.


Vanilla Chai scented stink-guard, this is not good.