Guest Post From the Dirty Pirate Hooker

So remember last week when I told you the Dirty Pirate Hooker herself was coming in for a brazilian wax on Saturday and we were going to post on each others sites?

Well, we were both women of our word. On that note, here's a few choice words from DPH herself on what it's like to be waxed by me. You can click on her name/link to get my side of the story. It was great to meet her and she even bought me lunch, a class act even if she is indeed a dirty pirate hooker.


The Wax Nazi & My Smooth Vagina.

by Dirty Pirate Hooker

I woke up that morning feeling confident and at ease. I knew I would need all of my piratey strength to not chicken out of the mission that lie ahead of me: the brazilian. I walk in the door of the spa and see a beautiful blonde, with boobs begging me to motor-boat them. She was clad in leather and smelled of sex...or wax, I can't be sure.

She takes me into the back room and tells me to strip. This being a natural request, I oblige. I lay my naked ass down on the table and spread 'em wide. She brings her light down to inspect my goods. I know she's impressed, who wouldn't be?

She slathers hot wax, roughly the temperature of the sun all over me and RIPS! I'm pretty sure I called her a whore and the bitch just smiled and smacked my ass. She rips again and I scream. She says in her wax nazi voice, "you don't scream". I put on my figurative 'big girl' panties and brace for the mind numbing pain of follicles being removed from my money maker.

What the fuck did I get myself into? As I cry like a little bitch and pray for death, all the while calling her every bad name in my extensive vocabulary; we near the end. Literally. "Bring your knees to your chest you dirty pirate", she says. I didn't think things could get worse. Oh, how wrong I was.

Formerly Fun, you need to change your name to 'wax nazi' cause you own that shit! You were awesome and I loved every second of it (except the lip on the right side, you bitch). I was more comfortable with you than I am with my OB/GYN. I will bring my Dirty Pirate Vagina back to your gentle hands again. Will you marry me
?



Here's the Dirty Pirate Hooker inspecting my work.

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12 comments:

KaritaG said... August 11, 2008 at 10:22 AM  

This was awesome. I am glad you finally de-Brazilian-virginized yourself. Now you are a clean, smooth pirate hooker! Which doesn't sound nearly as fun.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said... August 11, 2008 at 10:23 AM  

Just seeing the pictures brings back pain...

Captain Steve said... August 11, 2008 at 10:50 AM  

Part of me thinks that Dirty Pirate Hookers should be all wild and crazy. The other part of me finds this excellent.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said... August 11, 2008 at 11:53 AM  

I can't even get my eyebrows waxed...I pluck. waxing it too painful for me, but kudos to you DPH.

abce said... August 11, 2008 at 12:41 PM  

You have the cutest dirty pirate grimace on earth!!!

Formerly Fun said... August 11, 2008 at 1:16 PM  

She did have the perfect cutest dph grimace.

greenbean said... August 12, 2008 at 12:04 AM  

You allow cameras in there?!?!
you do realize I'm a photography right? hint hint wink wink. Though...as with every business, I reserve the right to refuse service =)

greenbeanfx said... August 12, 2008 at 12:08 AM  

i'm also retarded.. I meant to say I'm a photographer. or I'm in photography. however, my brain was confused and it came out I'm a photography. *sigh* This is why I was in ESL

2 Vermont Chitlins said... August 12, 2008 at 4:39 AM  

fantastical! =)

And I'm sure my husband would HAPPILY trade some rain with you for ME getting the ol'bits done. But, I'm sure only if he could sit in the corner frothing like the little dirty bastard he is. ;-)

mwah!

MJ said... August 12, 2008 at 8:56 AM  

Man! I wish I still lived in SoCal. I would totally look you up and let you do me (innuendo so intended lol).

Formerly Fun said... August 12, 2008 at 1:39 PM  

greenbean- you made me laugh really hard, I'm a photography too:) ESL? Crack me up. Hubs said your place is sooper cool, nice photos of the mandolin btw. You and your new wif should come over for dinner sometime. Yeah?

2v-Pick an occasion, anniversary, his b-day or pick your prize(diamonds, new living room furniture). Get it done, lay the goods before you and name your prize, he'll be unable to resist. I think they like the visual and the idea that you went through some trouble making it extra purdy for them.

mj-if you ever visit, look me up, I'm not quite the nazi dph portrays, in fact I'm worse, ha!

Love Bites said... August 14, 2008 at 8:00 AM  

What a pussy.

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