Manscaping the Manzilian - Part 3

Part 3

I don't think I've ever seen a black man get pale before. He grimaced and yelped a little. His girlfriend laughed, "Now you see what I go through for you? And you thought it was going to be easy fool.” His manhood in question, he steeled himself against the next pull. To his credit, he didn't make a sound but his autonomic nervous system took over for him and he began sweating buckets.

Now to get a good wax and not have everything end up a sticky, gooey mess, you have to keep the area dry(hence the powder). So now I am intermittently waxing and mopping, and waxing and mopping. I'm working so hard now I'm sweating and between the two of us, the room has to be 90 degrees. A few more slathers and rips and I'm done with the top and move south.

Side note: For any of you who have had the brazilian, if your esthetician does not use hard wax you are being shafted(pun intended). Hard wax is a stripless wax that is used in the following way: a light coating of oil is smoothed over the skin, the wax is applied and as it cools, it shrink wraps the hair so when you pull it(no paper needed because it becomes plasticy) it removes the hair but keeps the skin from getting irritated. When it comes to waxing the testicles or the labia, this wax is essential or you can very easily end up with raspberries and torn/lifted skin.

This guy probably lost a bet

Waxing his mons pubis, was no big deal because besides the fact that there is less fatty tissue and it's hairier, it looks the same as it does on a woman. Now for the jumping off point. Yes, I was about to wax his guys.

Now lest you come to the same conclusion as my mother in law, that I am some sort of trollopy sex worker, know this. I am very comfortable with nudity, I am also very comfortable with people in general, especially when they are vulnerable because they are naked and I have my clothes on. I think it appeals to my introverted nature.

You know how your mom used to tell you when you were nervous about giving a speech that you should just imagine everyone naked in their socks and you wouldn't feel so intimidated? Well, that's how waxing is, you're sitting there naked on my table while I'm in the position of trying to make you feel comfortable.

So I smooth some oil over his skin(yes, I touched it/them, with gloved hands) and although I appear calm on the outside, I am so embarrassed. I've never been in a situation where a penis in front of me wasn't my plaything. I wasn't attracted to him or wishing the lights were dim and we were alone but the very fact that it wasn't sexual at all made it weird to be in the same room as a naked man, and his girlfriend. At this point, I am trying to be very professional and matter a fact, like, oh yeah, I do this all the time, nothing making me feel awkward here folks.

Plus on top of the discomfort of the intimacy of this service with a near stranger, I am now about to perform a service I never have before and that's enough to make anybody nervous. The first time you do anything is hard, even harder when there's nudity and pain involved. I am having visions in my head of pulling the wrong way and something coming off. But I always say, the worse the experience, the better the story later.(This adage got me through 15+ years of dating.)

So everything is oiled and I position his hand over the dignity towel covering his actual member and I have him pull everything taut toward him and start with the sac wax. The key here, I have learned, is to work in very small strips.

I smooth some wax on, let it cool and riiiip.


He is doing pretty good now because those natural pain endorphins have kicked in, his eyes are just sort of glazed over and he looks a bit shell-shocked. It takes me a while but he is nearly hair free, nearly.

One of the things that makes a brazilian a brazilian is the ass wax. Yes, if you haven't had the bum done you've been shortchanged. So when I was done with everything else, I told him what I tell the girls(I never wax people on their hands and knees like many estheticians, too degrading and not the best position anyhow), "bring your knees to your chest."

This is the position, except with no pants on.

He says "what?" and I tell him that I'm going to wax his winker and that will complete the brazilian service. He looks pleadingly at his girlfriend and she returns it with a steely gaze, "oh just do it you've come this far."

The good thing about the butt wax is that although it is humiliating for some people because you know, that's where you poop, the good thing is, it hardly hurts at all. So reluctantly he gets in position and two easy rip rips later I am done.

I remove any wax residue left, smooth on some icy aloe gel to cool down his skin and tell them, "you're done, go ahead and get dressed and I'll meet you up front."

I go up front and slump down in my desk chair, not before grabbing a freezing cold diet coke from the little fridge. All of my adrenaline circuits were pumping full blast so now I am exhausted. Thank god I had my lab coat on because my shirt is soaked. I've perspired so much I am positively dehydrated.

I sit in my chair waiting for them and drinking my soda. There's one more thing I love about the brazilian. Though quite unnecessarily, many people must feel a bit bad that you've had to be so close to their naughty parts, moving aside lips, face to face with parts even their loved ones have never seen so close, in such bright light, so they tip great.

Adonis and his girlfriend come up front, he's no longer swaggering but looks more like a guy who's just had outpatient kidney surgery. He thrusts a thick wad of bills out toward me like it's hush money and I never see him again. There's nothing like your first time.

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Practically Joe said... July 31, 2008 at 9:31 PM  

I'm sorry ... But what the hell did you just do???? YIKES!

MsPicketToYou said... July 31, 2008 at 10:05 PM  

now that? THAT was completely worth the suspense.

since I have never gone completely southern, so to speak, and even though I do not have balls, i found this entirely enlightening.

my question: um, do in-growns happen in your um privatetest areas? and if so, what then?

i'll take my answer off the air.

formerly fun said... July 31, 2008 at 10:52 PM  

Practically Joe- Same thing my mom says joe.

ms. picket- Thanks.
I'll answer your question here b/c you're brave enough to ask. Ingrowns can happen especially if you are prone to them. Most women who get ingrowns from shaving find waxing a big improvement. Typically ingrowns will happen on the top triangle area and not the labia or butt. 95% of my female clients who are gutsy enough to try it once come back for more.

a free man- good idea! and that would probably be the ultimate shame, they'd have to get merkins(basically a pubic toupee).

Jack Steiner said... July 31, 2008 at 11:44 PM  

I think that I just screamed and crossed my legs.

No, no, no. Never will that be done to me. Yikes.

Bluestreak said... August 1, 2008 at 12:16 AM  

This sentence is absolute gold:

"I am very comfortable with nudity, I am also very comfortable with people in general, especially when they are vulnerable because they are naked and I have my clothes on."

I get waxed a lot and still can´t imagine being a dude and being able to get my balls waxed. It just seems like it would be all slippery and loose. It would probably KILL.

Anonymous said... August 1, 2008 at 1:12 AM  

I knew it was a good idea to come in here this morning! I needed a good laugh!

That was a great story, perfectly told (yes, even the suspense), and I loved it!

Now, I'm popping into town today to get my hair done and they have a beauty room. So tell me, how old is too old for a Brazillian? LOL!

Laura said... August 1, 2008 at 4:01 AM  

I just found you thru Ask & Ye Shall Receive.

Love your blog.
That post was hilarious and had me cringing in virtual pain with his balls.

Anonymous said... August 1, 2008 at 4:12 AM  

Part of me is kinda gleeful that he wasn't swaggering anymore. Now who's the big (too big for his towel) man? As my friend Judy says, SUCKIT!

I had the baldie wax done once and it wasn't all that painful, but I was so embarrassed. The beautician was great, very matter of fact and at-ease-putting, but I was still weirded out as all hell. It was a great feeling afterwards, though!

To all the men who are like, aieeeee never to me, I must tell you that having those parts hairless really enhances sensation. That skin gets to feel 10 times what it normally gets to feel.

Practically Joe said... August 1, 2008 at 4:41 AM  

Formerly Fun: Same thing my mom says joe.
Me: Wow ... I us older parents think alike. I just would have never imagined your mom and I would even be commenting together about some guy offering up his pubics to you.

Jenny, the Bloggess said... August 1, 2008 at 5:46 AM  

That? Was the best post ever.

Queen Mutha said... August 1, 2008 at 6:06 AM  

I just loved this story! So well told and so funny. How long does a wax last? Is it like shaving when you have to have it done again and again and again? Do people ever get used to it. I am a freak because I love having my eyebrows waxed, the ripppp actually feels good to me and looks so great afterward.

GirlGriot said... August 1, 2008 at 8:18 AM  

Great, story, Chris! Don't think I could ever have anything waxed! And certainly wouldn't have a Brazilian ... OUCH!

Rassles said... August 1, 2008 at 8:26 AM  

I've never been waxed.

That sounds sad to me.

Hygienically speaking, I would. But, you know, there is no way I can afford the luxury even once, so you know. I don't even have cable.

But someday. Someday I'll be smooth.

Rassles said... August 1, 2008 at 8:26 AM  

I've never been waxed.

That sounds sad to me.

Hygienically speaking, I would. But, you know, there is no way I can afford the luxury even once, so you know. I don't even have cable.

But someday. Someday I'll be smooth.

The Numismatist said... August 1, 2008 at 9:38 AM  

Priceless. Curious as to how the girlfriend reacted.

Also, the photo of the guy was a terrific visual aid!

Mrs. Case said... August 1, 2008 at 10:10 AM  

Lovesit. I am way too shy to get a brazillian wax. I know you say it isn't embarassing and all that but I am simply too modest. I can't hang.

P.S. I am doing a give away on my blog and I'd love for you to share a story. :)

Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels said... August 1, 2008 at 1:00 PM  

I hope the guy realizes that if they ever break up she holds in her hands the power to drive him out of the country in shame! In fact, I'm pretty sure that WAS hush money ;-) Heck, most men think it's absurd to wax your eyebrows! Let alone... that area ;-o

Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels said... August 1, 2008 at 3:05 PM  

BTW, I tapped you for an award!

Prok Aryot said... August 1, 2008 at 4:36 PM  

you are seriously my new hero.

Maggie, Dammit said... August 2, 2008 at 8:42 AM  

OK, finally here via Ask and Ye Shall Receive, via The Bloggess, and via Elisa's award, and DAMN. I'm pissed I waited so long. To make up for it, I'm immediately adding you to my blogroll. Rawr.

formerly fun said... August 2, 2008 at 2:00 PM  

it's not that bad. really. ok, I'm lying. it's worse.

bluestreak, slippery? no. loosey goosey? yes. it's probably 50:1 in terms of female to male ratio, girls are far more toerant of the whole 'pain for beauty' concept, we are conditioned from birth. and thanks, I loved that sentence too 'cause it's true, there's definately a power differential when one person is clothed and one pretty much naked.

i think 80 is maybe too old for a brazilian just because I think once you turn 80, you should be allowed to let some things go, plus, you're hair thins out pretty good. surprisingly, I have abou8 clients over 65 who get it all taken off.

thanks for taking the time to check me out. i have to be honest, I'm glad I don't have balls and after seeing lots of men and women naked, girls are prettier, less hairy and everything is compact comparitively.

good for you baldie! aunt baldie spatula:) I think many peple do it for the increased sensation because of skin contact and men tend to like it because they are visual creatures and the brazilian lays it all bare.

joe-yeah, i tell my mom way to much.

jenny the bloggess- thank you for the compliment, i love your stuff so it means a lot.

queenmutha- most of my clients come in every 4-6 weeks in warmer months and 6-8 in the winter. If you like the eyebrow wax, you'd do fine with the brazilian. Plus, most of my moms do the best, they know true pain and can handle a little hair pulling with no problem.

girlgriot- if you ever change your mind:).....

rassles- you make me laugh sooo hard so if you're ever in SoCal, you've got one coming on the house.

the girlfriend was pretty nonplussed except for when she was calling him a baby. she'd had it done for a long time so was very unsympathetic.

Alice said... August 3, 2008 at 6:01 AM  


I think I found this so fascinating because I've never had one or heard how it was done.

Great series of posts!

Jenny, the Bloggess said... August 3, 2008 at 6:34 AM  

Featured on Good Mom/Bad mom on the Houston Chronicle:

Biddy said... August 3, 2008 at 12:47 PM  


i'm seriously crying! i'm so glad i'm not the only one that talks about Brazilians!

Kris said... August 4, 2008 at 3:43 AM  

I found your blog through a link to another post, so I started reading some of your other entries. This manzilian series is hilarious!

Captain Steve said... August 4, 2008 at 8:47 AM  

Dude, that is fabulous! Although, ugh, the thought of man-stubble just makes me think of pain.

Rassles said... August 4, 2008 at 12:16 PM  

Yes, I win.

Adriane said... August 4, 2008 at 1:59 PM  

Dignity towel is the best idea ever. I think I need one all the time. Just tucked in my pocket for when I do something stupid, so I can hide behind it.

Came over from Good Mom/Bad Mom

Glad I did! Thanks!

Gypsy said... August 6, 2008 at 8:51 AM  

This is my favorite part: "...never see him again." Bwah!

Anonymous said... July 19, 2012 at 7:57 AM  

It's Not a Big Deal. I just had my first one. The young gal was very professional. I did my best to help keep things tight so she didn't have to touch any naughty parts. I just bit down on a towel and off it went.

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