Evil Woman

1. When I see kids being naughty in the grocery store and their moms aren't looking, I give the kids a really mean look and a low pitched growl, it's no fun scaring my own kids anymore.

2. I routinely confront people who are being rude to me or others. Usually several variants of the F-word are involved. I have yet to find an exclamatory word that I like better. Example: I was at the grocery store and it was swamped. To their credit, they had every stand manned but it was right after work and everyone was trying to get their dinner on. I'm in line and there is this woman in front of me that is pitching a fit. She's sighing, rolling her eyes and huffing away. The checker is new, it says so right on her badge. She is working deliberately, focused on what she's doing, not slow just the way someone works when they are new to a register and haven't yet memorized where everything is. So as we move up in line, this woman is getting more and more frustrated and she's eyeing every line, she wants to jump ship but the rest of the lines are just as bad and now she'd be at the end. She's finally had it and says to the cashier who is already totally stressed and overwhelmed at the rush," Hey, do you think you could pick up the pace a little?" Oh, no she didn't. Before my better sense could kick in, I was poking her on the shoulder and she turned around,"If your time is so fucking valuable, maybe you shouldn't come to the grocery store at 5:30. Back the fuck off, and calm the fuck down, she's working as fast as she can." She got real quiet after that.

3. I have a few clients who come in for brow waxes that I dislike. Some are always late and act like it's no big deal, others frequently misses thier appointments, again, no apologies, no extra tip, even though I lose money when people do this. I have recurring visions of just waxing one of their eyebrows all the way off, “Oh, oh, I'm so sorry my hand slipped. What you're never coming back? Okay.” Someday, I might actually do it.

4. When I used to travel for business all the time, I'd use the plane rides to catch up on sleep, reading, whatever. When someone would sit next to me that I could tell was a talker, I'd pretend not to know English, just smile shake my head, look confused until they said, "do you understand?"(me blank look, dumb smile) "No English? Oh, you don't speak english?" Me," No, no English." Sadly enough, this didn't always stop them from talking. Once I fell asleep and I forgot I had feigned a language barrier and when we were deplaning the woman who had sat next to me said, "bye, enjoy your stay in Des Moine," I said, "thanks I'm working the whole time but I'll try." She looked at me confused, that's when I remembered. Oops.

5. When having an irritating cell conversation with someone, usually my mother, I will occasionally “lose” the connection and shut my phone off. Oh, sorry I was in a dead zone.

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Captain Steve said... July 28, 2008 at 8:43 AM  

I've done that last one. The feigning no English is an excellent idea.

Alice said... July 28, 2008 at 9:31 AM  

Good for you in the grocery store. I'm much too non-confrontational to do that, but I wish I could. I do it in my head, does that count?

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said... July 28, 2008 at 9:45 AM  

I think I love you.

Brava on the Ask and Ye Shall Receive review.

Kim's Korner said... July 28, 2008 at 10:50 AM  

Saw your review. GREAT blog! Will definitely be back.

LOVED #2. Good for you!

Anonymous said... July 28, 2008 at 12:23 PM  

It's best to disconnect when you are speaking and about mid-sentence.

Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels said... July 28, 2008 at 12:43 PM  

I applaud you for confronting the pushy bitch at the grocery store. Honestly, I would have run her over with my cart.

On other news, I just saw your blog today for the first time and love it! The scary lady at Ask and Ye shall receive sent me here ;-)

I Am Woody said... July 28, 2008 at 1:34 PM  

I thought I was the only person that liked to scare naughty children!!

MsPicketToYou said... July 28, 2008 at 2:28 PM  

if we met in a crowded grocery store and my kids were acting all kinds of nasty, i would actually kiss you straight on the mouth for growling at them. and then try to pay you money. seriously.

found you from Ask and Ye Shall Receive (which scares me) and frankly, I kinda dig the pink. fuck, it could be magenta with polka dots and i'd still think it was funny.

Shelley Jaffe said... July 28, 2008 at 2:47 PM  

Ooh, girly girl, you'se my new hero.
I would LOVE to tell the hissy fit people off in line.

Or the asshat at the airline counter last night who held up the lineup while she repacked her bags in front of us all so she could take the proper-sized carryon. WTF is wrong with these people?

You know. And you tell them. And I love it!

Anonymous said... July 28, 2008 at 2:48 PM  

Congrats on the great review, but I knew it was an excellent site.

formerly fun said... July 28, 2008 at 9:01 PM  

captain steve-come to think of it, I'm going to start using it again in a myriad of ways, like when the godsquad comes to my front door.

alice-in my head is where I should have kept it but that was before the meds, I'm a bit mellower now which is good 'cause eventually I'm going to get my ass kicked and did I mention I'm like 5' tall, oh, and I'm a total pussy.

a whole lot of nothing- tell your friends, and I think I love you too, or maybe it's just the vicodin kicking in.

Kim's korner-thanks for stopping by and giving me a looksee.

sd-wait a minute honey, you've used that on me!

elisa- AAYSR, are they not great, one of the highpoints of my "blog day". As far as grocery beeyatch goes, I try to avoid physical aggression but I have a giant mouth with minimal frustration.

lori-it's fun isn't it and not just for Halloween anymore.

ms. picket to you-why do so may girls want to kiss me on the mouth today? God, Lovebites practically raped me, and you know what? I liked it. Thanks for the kind words and if your kids need an ass whooping, send 'em my way, mine have been too well-behaved lately and my 'spanking hand' is gettin' twitchy.

I know, they are EVERYWHERE. I always say I am chief officer of the politeness police but you'd think some of these things would be good common sense. I was at the county fair last week and there was a mom with a little girl who was clearly ready to pee her pants and of the 8 people in line in front of her, I was the only one who said, you go ahead, and I know some of these women had kids so they can't plead ignornace. Rude.

Jan-Thanks, the folks at AAYSR(whomever they are:) gave me the affirmations that probably saved me at least $1200 in therapy, I am such a sucker for an 'atagirl'.

The Numismatist said... July 28, 2008 at 9:03 PM  

I've done the cell phone thing but mostly use the dead battery excuse. I also stand and watch my land line phone ring. Caller ID changed my life because I rarely answer, I call them back five minutes later. Very passive-aggressive, I know.

I don't like confrontations in public places but I'm not above secret retaliation. Again, passive-aggressive. The bitch at the gym who owns the blue Jeep is a victim every morning and she doesn't even know it. Yep, I'm smiling.

Trooper Thorn said... July 28, 2008 at 9:45 PM  

We could all use an Evil Woman. How about Evil Woman for Hire?

"Do you have neighbors who won't turn down their stereo? Will you kid's soccer coach not give her equal playing time? Does your husband's hot intern refuse to dress appropriately? Then call Evil Woman 1-800-RUDEGAL."

I see franchises of motivated justice all across North America.

Congrats on your good review. I'll be back.

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