Baby Vampires, Parental Neuralizer & Poison Caterpillars

This morning my son was asking about my surgery. Did it hurt? Wasn't I scared? Why did I do it anyway even though I knew it was going to hurt?

Hubs, a die-hard sci-fi fan, started telling him that after surgery, they use a Neuralizer on you(like Men in Black) to wipe your memory clean so you don't remember the pain.

Even though my eight year old is the smartest, most logical and analytical kid I know, he is a complete sucker when it comes to stuff like this, mostly because he wants to believe it's true. He'll look you in the eye, trying to discern whether you're pulling his leg or not. He'll question you, decide your messing with him but even as he walks away, the wheels are still spinning behind his eyes.

Recently we were all walking and he chucked a caterpillar he saw on the sidewalk into a bush. My husband was a bit miffed at his treatment of the caterpillar and told him, "you didn't touch that caterpillar did you?"

"No," replied the boy.

I chimed in, knowing where hubs was going with this one(we're synched up like this),"Oh, thank god, because that was the Australian Venomous caterpillar."

"What?"

"Your mom's right, that's the Australian Venomous Caterpillar, they're a real problem here, good thing you didn't touch it."

"What happens if you touch it?" he asked.

"You didn't touch it did you, oh I hope you didn't" said my husband.

"No, but what if someone did touch it, what then?"

"Well," replied my husband,"you have to wash your hands within ten minutes or the venom invades your central nervous system, it isn't pretty, I hope you never have to see it.

"Hmmm," I say as we're ambling up our driveway coming to the end of our walk, "looks like we ran into that caterpillar about 8 minutes ago, good thing you didn't touch it, that venom would be almost irreversible at this point."


The Boy scoots up to the door waiting for my hubs to unlock the front door with a both stoic and pleading look on his face.

"What's the hurry boy?" my husband asks.

"I have to go to the bathroom," he says and I can read his face it's so easy it's almost criminal.

"Are you sure your not going to wash your hands?" Sometimes being a parent is really fun.

So back to my surgery and the Neuralizer. The boy argues with us, "they can't do that stuff to you, it's illegal to neuralize people."

"Well, not if they consented to be neuralized," replied my husband.

"Mom, you consented to being neuralized?"

"Of course, I don't want to remember the surgery or pain, just waking up to seeing your dad there. Your dad and I use the neuralizer all the time."

"You do?"

"Yes, you don't remember all of the spankings we've given you do you?" asked my husband, running with it.

"What spankings?" asks my son.

"See," I said, satisfied like that explains everything.

"When you do something that's made us angry enough to spank you," said my hubs," we just neuralize you when we're done so you don't remember."

"Huh?"

"And do you remember the puppy we got for you a few months ago?" I ask, taking it even further.

"What puppy?"

"See. You weren't taking care of it like you told us you would but when we took it back you were so sad we just decided to neuralize you, no point in you walking around here all mopey."

"Your kidding, I know your kidding. Right?"

"I don't know, are we?" asked my husband.

And here's one of the the things I love about our eight year old. He is still in that magic place where he understands science and logic and proof and plausibility but he also still believes in monsters, and ghosts and venomous caterpillars and neuralizers.

We feed his imagination a bit, no different that Santa or the tooth fairy, perhaps just a bit darker. And really, a fairy coming to trade your teeth for money, that's a bit grim isn't it?

These are the ways hubs and I add a little spark to our daily parenting. He's starting to catch on a bit so we don't have much more time with him. We'll have to turn our demented wranglings toward the girls. We convinced our 4 year old that her sister was a baby vampire. "Watch her at night and you'll see her climb down her crib to play with your toys when your sleeping, don't let her get too close, if she bites your neck, you'll be a vampire too." "Nooooo," she exclaimed laughing but there was still wonder on her face. For now.

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6 comments:

RiverPoet said... September 2, 2008 at 10:08 AM  

You've gotta have a little fun with them, lest they being to take life too seriously.

Reminds me of when my son was little and was scarfing down shrimp like there was no tomorrow. I picked one up off the platter and said, "Huh. This one's got a bit of a black line. Be sure not to eat those, because they're poisonous."

I've never seen a boy spit out his food quite that quickly.

:-)

D

Formerly Fun said... September 2, 2008 at 3:49 PM  

RP-
Twisted. Nice. What did he do when you told him what it really is? shrimp poop.
And to all, why is it so quiet today, I thought everyone would come back after the holiday comment guns abaze. It brings to mind a quote from Moonstruck, "Somebody tella joke or some thing."

Jan said... September 2, 2008 at 3:56 PM  

Are you SURE you aren't one of my children?

Maggie, Dammit said... September 2, 2008 at 3:58 PM  

Knowing there are other parents like me out there is a great comfort, not gonna lie.

Formerly Fun said... September 2, 2008 at 10:10 PM  

Jan-Maybe, my mom tells me that I'm adopted all the time and I have to remind her they don't usually let recently graduated highschool seniors adopt babys.

Maggie-We definately tease each other in our little family of five. I'm all for it as long as it's not relentless or mean-spirited, we're a playful bunch. Oy vey btw on you little one's 1st day. Nice getting her back on the horse right away, a little brave too.

A Free Man said... September 4, 2008 at 12:40 AM  

Y'all are cruel! But I'm definitely taking notes...

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