Dude Talks Like a Lady

Gary: Hi there, oh Matt you look good guy, I love your suit, is that Dolce and Gabbana?

Matt: Oh, no, it's a knock-off, my credit cards are maxed, way too much shopping do you really like it?

Gary: I would never have known if you didn't tell me, really flattering, can I borrow it next week for my big interview.

Matt: No problem, it's all yours, as long as I can borrow those FMO(fuck-me-oxfords) Cole-Hahns you got when we were shopping last month.

Waiter comes to the table. He is good looking and friendly.

Waiter: What can I get for you gentleman?

Matt: Do you have diet Red-Bull?

Waiter: Sorry, just the regular.

Matt: How about sugar-free tonic water?

Waiter: Sorry, no.

Matt: Then I'll just take a Diet coke please.

Waiter: And you sir(motioning to Gary)?

Gary: I'll take a sparkling water with a slice of lemon please.

Waiter: Would you like me to bring some bread out?

Matt: Oh no, if you bring it out, we'll just eat it, you know, a moment on the lips a lifetime on the hips...

Waiter: I'll go get your drinks and be back to take your order.

Matt: Did you see that guy? Wow, he was in shape.

Gary: Probably bulimic. Anyhow, oh my god, I spent my whole paycheck at Sephora this afternoon, I totally splurged on the new Laura Mercier afteshave, it was expensive but Madeline is going to just eat me up when she smells it so like, totally worth it. Then I got this new Bumble & Bumble shampoo, it's got volumnizer built in to give me more texture, really show off my highlights. I had a hard time picking between antioxidant face-firming serums but finally decided on the pore-minimizer. God, I hate my pores.

Matt: What are you going to order?

Gary: I don't know, what are you going to order?

Matt: I'm going over to Jenna's tomorrow so I can't eat much, I get so bloated and I don't want to show up looking like a total cow.

The waiter comes over to take their order.

Gary:I'll take the mescalin mix salad, no cheese, no croutons and dressing on the side please, a vinigrette if you have it. If you don't, I'd like you to bring me a few slices of lemon.

Matt: I'll take the broiled chicken breast, no sauce with steamed veggies on the side please.

Gary: So what are you going to wear?

Matt: Well, something that says I'm secure but approachable, that I'm a good guy but not a "nice" guy. Something that doesn't make my ass look flat or my shoulders look slumpy. God, I hate my shoulders.

Gary: They're fine. Really. Just get pads and put them in and it will make them look bigger and fill things out a bit.

Matt:Yeah, but isn't that false advertising? What happens when we start getting amorous and I take my jacket off and she sees it's all pads?
Gary: By then, she'll be so into it, she won't even care.

Matt: Speaking of getting into it, did you watch Grey's anatomy last night?

Gary: I can't watch that show anymore it's too unrealistic.

Matt: What are your plans this weekend?

Gary: My mom's in town and we're going shopping.

Matt: That sounds like fun.

Gary: You've got to be kidding. She is so controlling, always telling me what I should wear, who I should date, telling me I should ask for a promotion, making me feel bad that Judy Livingston's son is already married and a partner at his firm.

Matt: I know, my mom will not stop hinting that she's ready for me to get married.

Gary: It's embarrassing because my mom brings it up in front of Madeline all the time and it's really uncomfortable, you know?

Matt: So when is that going to happen anyway?

Gary: Not you too? You know I'm ready but she's just not there yet. Her job is really important to her, you know she keeps saying she really wants to be established in her career so she can provide us with the kind of life we both want. Honestly, I don't know if she'll ever commit. I'm almost 33, I don't think she understands that I can't wait forever, you know? Sorry, I'm getting a little emotional here.

Matt: Don't apologize, I know.

Gary: How's work been?

Matt: There's this middle manager guy at work who is totally out to get me, in the meeting I like suggested this awesome new stream of revenue, Dick, that's what I call him, he just shot down my idea and then used it in another meeting and bitch didn't even give me credit.

Waiter: Would either of you care for dessert?

Gary: Dessert, god I'd love to but I really shouldn't I've got my office party coming up and I bought this great little Helmet Lang number and I'm already squeezed into it but it was a real find.

Matt: What, you're not going to get any dessert?

Gary: Are you going to have something?

Matt: We could split something.

Gary: That's a good idea, I love the carrot cake.

Matt: I was really thinking more along the lines of the molten chocolate cake.

Gary: Hmmm,....,well if you really want chocolate cake, I guess I could split, it's just that I had cake like two days ago but if it's what you want.

Matt: No, let's just get the carrot cake.

Gary: Well, if you're sure.

Matt: Fine, It's fine. Really. It's fine.

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Rachel said... September 1, 2008 at 7:18 PM  

i don't know what this IS but it SOUNDS like something straight out of american pyscho

formerly fun said... September 1, 2008 at 8:10 PM  


I was trying to write a male conversation the way women talk to each other but you're right, I read that book and the overdone metrosexual, persnickety maleness is very similar. Thanks:)

Anonymous said... September 1, 2008 at 9:32 PM  

I'm really glad that I'm a guy.

Practically Joe said... September 2, 2008 at 12:59 AM  

I can totally hang out with those guys ... I love cake.

Anonymous said... September 6, 2008 at 6:26 AM  

You are one funny lady. When I figure out how to do it I shall put you where I can easily find you.

Bet there is a lot of truth in there but not about any of the males I have ever encountered.

Anonymous said... September 6, 2008 at 6:17 PM  

Love the entry! Well written.

The truth about men is that they are changing....

Is that a good or bad thing?

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