Yeah, I'm Deep Bitches, and Neurotic Too
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Parenthood is like being a CEO of a fortune 500 company. You get handsomely rewarded but are asked to give up nearly everything to fulfill the job requirements. I would venture to guess that most high level CEO's make staggering sacrifices in their personal lives just as so many moms and dads make professional and personal sacrifices to show up for their children everyday.
Not that we don't want to, which is part of the problem. There are ten million things I want to do before I return to carbon form and being a good mom and wife is one of them.
I am sometimes very singular-minded which can be a problem since I have three kids, a husband, a business, a fledgling writing career, a house to care for and various other friends, family, hobbies and intellectual pursuits in my life that vie for space. This locus-focus means that all too often one thing will get my attention at the expense of much else. It also means I have a sharp ability to shift focus to other stuff as a well-honed procrastination technique.
I used to be an ace goal-setter, a manifestor, an opportunist and make it happen kind of gal. I think I burned myself out. Now I am a fledgling Buddhist, trying to live in the now while still finding a way to make it all come together, all of these things that are important to me.I struggle to think ahead without living in the future.
Sometimes the mess seems too hard and I want to heap it all and go hide under the covers. There are times I want to give in to my 'role', relinquish my aspirations and intellectual life because the balancing of it all makes me dizzy. I sometimes wish I were daft, it might make things simpler. Being smart often feels like a handicap, a drug addiction to be fed, a noisy head full of thoughts that won't go to bed so I can get enough sleep to do the other parts of my life.
Sometimes the mess seems too hard and I want to heap it all and go hide under the covers. There are times I want to give in to my 'role', relinquish my aspirations and intellectual life because the balancing of it all makes me dizzy. I sometimes wish I were daft, it might make things simpler. Being smart often feels like a handicap, a drug addiction to be fed, a noisy head full of thoughts that won't go to bed so I can get enough sleep to do the other parts of my life.
And then, almost as if the universe hears you teetering, questioning your path, comes a confluence of reminders that you are exactly where you need to be and all of this struggling to balance it all is just part of the fun. Yipee! I am reminded that everything I've ever wanted I have eventually gotten, though not always in the exact packaging I asked for. I think that's where I am now. I just need to get out of my own way.
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Girl, I love that phrase "Get out of my own way". I will use it endlessly, and always give credit to the lovely lady who initially sent it my way.
I remember the days of young children and the quest for higher meaning. It's all about the journey; there is no destination.
Baroness- You my dear were part of the confluence I speak of, what you wrote, the right in front of you part and having to work insanely hard sometimes just for a small move forward, you were right--see that scribbly note was meant for something after all. It got me thinking about a few of my current aspirations, how I don't have the time I'd like to spend making progress without taking away too big a chunk from the other stuff and how all of the other great things that came to me had their painful, slow moves forward and then all of a sudden, the stars would align and bam, it would all come together. It also made me think(my get out of your own way part) about the fact that I was often the impediment, whether it was doubt in myself or trying to make things happen exactly one way(yeah, I'm a control freak too), in the past when I figured that out, all the magic happened.
I guess what I'm saying is thank you. By the way, either it's new or I hadn't noticed it before but I just saw your picture- you're a dish.
I think you just hit MY nail on the head. I HAVE always pretty much gotten everything I've ever wanted and maybe I'm afraid that what I've recently begun is actually going to take off. And afraid that if it did and if I admitted that I WANTED it to succeed that it would be too farking selfish for words. Thanks for the mirror!
Man, I am reading what you are writing as though you are describing me.. I feel I am headed for the burn out stage unless I stop doing some of the many things I tell myself I have to do... but what to give up? And I've just started yoga, which helps me relax, though i feel like crying after every session- it's the only time that is quiet in my head. Weird, huh?
great introspective post. Yeah, i suppose it would be a lot easier if you were one of those moms that could give up every single aspect of her persona to devote themselves completely to their children. But I believe children benefit more from seeing parents that live in a more well-rounded way.