I'm So Hungry I Could Eat a Woolly Mammoth

Summer is here and once again, I'm on a diet. I was pregnant last summer so my big bootie was off the hook. It's been 7 months since my daughter's birth and high time I fit back into my normal clothes.

Everyone knows the formula for weight loss, consume fewer calories than you expend. Sounds simple enough but it's not. Most of us have a built-in biological addiction to food, it's called survival. Those of our ancestors that chowed down at the spit when the group caught the woolly mammoth fared much better than those that were like, oh, I'll just have a few bites now, I'll eat more next time. So, the ones that chowed down made more chow-downers and so on and so on. So it's no wonder most of us have a difficult time moderating our food intake. No one asks a heroin addict to do just a little heroin three times a day and not go overboard, but with food that's the deal.

Part of me(the demented, sick part, heavily influenced by the women I am surrounded by in Southern California) wishes I was anorexic so I could just skip eating all together. No, I am definitely not disciplined enough to be an anorexic. I tried it once for like an hour and a half and gave up when I smelled my neighbor's Thai carry out. I hate throwing up, so bulimia is out, anyhow, most of the bulimics I know aren't very thin so I'm thinking it's not very effective. I could go the one-part healthy, one part-OCD method and become a gymorexic. Sadly, I am way too lazy.

What I do suffer from is scaleorexia. It goes like this: I hop on the scale(first thing in the morning of course), look at the number, go pee, try again, look at the number, take off all my clothes, hop back on, again look at the number, hop off, trim my bangs, clip my toenails and run in place for a minute, hop on and check the number, feel bad about the number, resolve to stop eating carbs and workout more and instead put my clothes back on and go eat some pretzels and check my email.

So that leaves me wondering what the plan should be. I can do any one of the bazillion low-carb options but we are vegetarian so that is really hard. If I eliminate carbs I don't think there's anything left I can eat besides cheese. I could join one of the programs that makes all your food for you, but I'm kind of a stickler when it comes to my food tasting good. I could also cut back on portions of the food we normally eat and get a bit more exercise, which is what I have been doing but it is soooooo slow. Or maybe I should just eat everything with chopsticks from now on. At least it would slow me down.

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7 comments:

Anonymous said... June 3, 2008 at 11:54 AM  

I hate when people give me advice I didn't ask for. BUT...

Your writing would flow a lot better if you had more paragraph breaks. The first block of this entry should probably be 4paragraphs. Maybe 5, depending.

I only say this because your blog is pretty funny.

Chris A.K.A. Formerly Fun said... June 3, 2008 at 12:28 PM  

Well, I put it out there, so in my book, enabling comments is sort of opening the door, yes? I like the feedback, of course delivered gently(the meds only do so much). I'm actually glad to get your opinion on this b/c I've gone back and forth. I like breaking the paragraphs up more, almost following the way I speak but I worried that it made the post too long or involved looking. So many others post in solid blocks but I know....don't compare yourselves to other posters. Thank you for the feedback, and the compliment.

Chris A.K.A. Formerly Fun said... June 3, 2008 at 12:34 PM  

Better?

tracey said... June 3, 2008 at 8:09 PM  

Hi FF
I just found your blog and read it all. You are (still) funny and smart...keep writing!

Anonymous said... June 4, 2008 at 10:48 AM  

Yay! Much better! ;)

Queen Mutha said... September 5, 2008 at 6:28 AM  

I am the same way with the scale, but if I happen to poop in the AM, all the better, LOL, I could lose three pounds instantly. It's insane, isn't it?

Rassles said... September 7, 2008 at 5:01 PM  

Food is easily just as addictive as heroin. Easily. I've said it once, and I'll say it again: food is my crack cocaine.

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