No Good, Stinky, Hair Pants Lady

A few years ago I had a woman make an appointment for a bevy of waxing services. This client wanted what basically amounted to a full body wax: legs, toes, cha-cha, backside, arms, underarms, brow, lip and chin. Now almost every client I've had through the door thinks they're hairy when they are not. This woman, she was hairy, so hairy that when she took her pants off, it looked like she had hair pants on. She was hairy like Klinger from M.A.S.H., hairy like Robin Williams knuckles.

My female clients are generally very self-conscious about being clean and odor free. I actually had to put cha-cha wipes(like baby wipes that smell better) in the bathroom because clients were rubbing their girl parts raw with the cheap-ass, wood-pulp, paper towels we stock because they were afraid that being an hour out from their shower, they were going to be stinky. This client, I will call her Susan, (not a pseudonym, that's her real name, ha) apparently did not share the same hygenic concern.

I had to really put some muscle into it and work my ass off to wax her. I used far more product than is typical because of the profuseness of her “winter coat”, she was smelly and to top it off, she was so irritating I almost self-immolated on the spot. I don't mean she was just boring, though she was, she was tedious, obtuse, and lacking in any self-awareness. Several times during the service I had visions of stuffing a towel in her mouth until I was finished.

She told me about her fiance, whom she had met in a BBW chat room, and how she was going to Vegas to meet him(in person for the first time) and get married. She went on ad nauseam and of course me, customer service oriented that I am, feigned interest over the almost three hours I waxed her. I even asked her questions, what kind of wedding, do you have a dress, etc.

Giant mistake because when I was finally finished, ready for her to pay me and leave, she spent the next 45 minutes talking about her 40's -themed wedding. This was the only time I had between clients in a 10-hour day on my feet, to sit down and eat lunch.

So when her check for like $400 something bounced, I was steaming. I called her.

"Hi Susan it's Chris from the spa, I wanted to let you know your check didn't go through."
(Silence) "Oh, yeah, I saw that."(and you didn't call me?)
"Well, I wanted to let you know."
"Uh, I can't come in and pay you right now because I'm out of town for a week."
"That's okay Susan, I can run a credit card right over the phone and we'll be good to go."
"I don't have a credit card."(Who the fuck over 30 doesn't have a credit card? ), I get back on Tuesday and I can come in and give you a check."
"I'll need cash or a credit card."
"Oh, well I'm really busy on Tuesday I'm not sure if I'm going to have time to go to the bank."
(Seriously?, you bounce a check, make me wait a week and then you're not sure if you have the time to get cash, fuck you make time.)
"I'll try."

Predictably, Tuesday comes and goes and no Susan. So, I call again Wednesday.

"Hi Susan, it's Chris from the spa."
"Oh hi."
"I'm calling because you told me you'd come by yesterday and pay me for the check that bounced."
"Oh yeah, I'm sorry, my car got broken into and they took my bag, it had all my stuff in it, my keys, ID, credit cards."(WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE, DID SHE JUST SAY CREDIT CARDS?)
"Susan, you told me last week you didn't have any credit cards."
"Oh, I meant my debit card."
"I can run debit cards too."
"But I don't have it now because it was stolen."
"So what are you going to do?"
"Uh, I can come by on Friday after work and bring the money?"
"Ok, I will see you Friday."

Friday, no Susan, so I call her from the spa several times Saturday, Sunday, Monday, no luck, she's not even answering her phone. So on a hunch, I call her from my personal cell phone and lo and behold she picks up on the first ring.

"Hi Susan its Chris calling from the spa(ha!)."
"Uh, uh, hi."
"I waited for you on Friday, what happened?"
"Oh, blah, blah, blah," (I can't even hear her now because the blood rushing through my ears is deafening.)
"Susan, I performed a service, I did a good job yes?"
"Not only have I not been paid for that service but I actually had to pay twenty dollars in the form of a return check fee for the pleasure of waxing you."
"Uh, ok."
"So I would like you to fulfill your obligation and pay me the money you owe me."

There were a few more phone calls like this, eventually deconstructing into full blown hostility on my part. She wouldn't pick up the phone after that, probably not for anybody. I left a message at least once a week for 6 months or so, then buried her return check with all of her numbers on it in my desk. Whenever I was having a particularly rough day, I would dig it out and make a phone call to blow off a little steam.

Blah, blah, leave a message, BEEP.
"Hi, Susan this is Chris, just sitting here waiting for my four hundred dollars. Yeah, really wish I could go get groceries for my kids but well, guess that's not going to happen today. I sure hope you can find a way to be okay with the fact that you have taken food out of the mouths of my children. Okay, call me back."

I finally threw the check away last year, I didn't need it anymore. After that long, I felt like I had more then gotten my $400 worth.

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Anonymous said... June 23, 2008 at 3:11 AM  

Really funny! The way you wrote about it, not what happened.

In the UK we have a thing called the Small Claims Court. You can take someone to court (costs nothing) for anything over $100. We've had three very successful claims against manufacturers supplying shoddy goods.

Queen Mutha said... June 23, 2008 at 5:50 AM  

I would so take that check to a district magistrate. A bad check is a summary criminal offense, you have to send them a certified letter, return receipt requested, specifying that they have to pay within 10 days and then you can file. But if you threw it away you can't. I hope that you can stop taking checks. People are out there scoring all sorts of things for free with checks. It's sick. Our gas station charges $50 for a bounced check.

bechtold clan said... June 23, 2008 at 7:09 AM  

good hell! what a nightmare!

Anonymous said... June 23, 2008 at 7:59 AM  

OMG OMG OMG!! How do people think this type of this is ok?? Sue that woman, seriously.

Anonymous said... June 23, 2008 at 12:56 PM  

First of all: You guys take cheques? Who the hell still takes cheques? My mom won't take a cheque from me. Secondly: Most cheques have a home address on them. I'm just sayin....

formerly fun said... June 23, 2008 at 3:54 PM  

Thanks, at the time it didn't seem funny but it became funnier because I really tortured that woman. I'm not a not-nice person but I do get frustrated from time to time, and for a good year, she got that frustration drilled into a laser point and directed her way. She should have just paid me.

We also have small claims court but it is really hard to recover money and you do have to pay to file, not much but it's the time more than anything that makes it tough. Plus I'ma bit lazy, it was just easier to beat her down:) This is why I call myself a part-time Buddhist, I'm pretty good and then every once in awhile, I'm completely off the rails.

Queen Mutha-
Out of the 4 years my shops been open, she is the only problem I've ever had. I figured it was part of the cost of doing business,plus a good piece of eventual comic material. Plus, I know karma's a beeatch so she'll get hers. I still take checks, only 2 others have bounced and they both took care of it asap. Thankfully, she was the only rotten one in the bunch.

bechtold clan/melis-
at least it made me appreciate all my great clients right?

maybe it's you because your mother takes MY cheques, ha, you're funny. And her address was out of date because I did seriously think about it. She and I are probably both lucky I didn't know where she lived.

Anonymous said... June 23, 2008 at 11:54 PM  

In the unlikely event that I ever require your services I'm going to go ahead and pay you up front.

Do people still write checks? I don't remember the last time I did.

~Mountain Lover~ said... July 30, 2008 at 2:47 PM  

Damn . . . Well, think of it this way. Perhaps she refused to pay you because she went to Vegas, discovered her fiance whom she had been corresponding with was actually a pygmy. He acted like he would still marry her, however, she woke up after a night of awkward sex, and he had split. With all her money. And after having ordered everything on the room service menu.

Now, THAT would be poetic justice...

Anonymous said... November 7, 2008 at 6:46 AM  

I don't know how I missed this over the summer, but I'm sure glad I found it today.

I'm sorry for you for having to experience hairpants, lack of emotional awareness, scary cha cha, income loss. But I am so happy for me/us that we get to live on with this in our collective memories.

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