I Double Dare You To Don All of These at the Same Time

Bad fashion trends are a dime a dozen. The fashion-beauty-military-industrial complex does this on purpose. First, make something that is totally ugly the height of fashion. Then, when every woman has finally gone out and purchased it, decide that it is in fact, after all, hideous and uncool. Since it really is awful, we'll see that and move on to the next trend. Think bubble skirts, denim jumpers and high heel sneakers.

However, there are some trends that are equally awful but JUST WILL NOT DIE. Now I am not Anna Wintour or Stacy London or Tim Gunn but I know what makes my stomach lurch and my eyes bleed. So I present, here for your pleasure, my:

Please Just Go Away List
“Skinny” jeans. It's funny how unskinny, skinny jeans make most of us look. They are not good at all for those of us with hips or if you are larger than a size four. And as long as we're talking about jeans, let's just agree now to stay away from any extremes in jeans like the too low and too high rises. Go out and find jeans that suit your figure and wear them. Trends change each season to trick us into spending money. I have a rule, if they don't look good on Scarlett, they're certainly not going to look good on me.

I know I will make a lot of enemies with this one because I still see a lot of women sporting these but OMG Frenchtip acrylic nails need to go, I'm not a fan of fake nails but these are especially awful. Unless they are done VERY thin, relatively short and meticulously maintained, these look gross. Everyone knows they are not your real nails and everyone has them from ghetto girls to strippers to soccer moms. At this point, they are cliche. And you get what you pay for so if you are going to do these in spite of what I say, please go to a reputable salon and pay more than $20.

Truth be told, fake nails are unhealthy. They are home to many types of bacteria that begin to form between them and your real nail. They put you at high risk of nail damage and fungi. Many of the chemicals they use are extremely carcinigenic, why do you think the techs usually wear masks? If you can afford to get acrylic nails you can afford a mani every other week to get your real nails in shape.

As for toes, let's touch on French pedicures. Unless you get a pedicure every week, skip it. These look the most disgusting growing out, the white yellows, the chips show, it's difficult to touch up and after more than a week, you just look like you have weird monkey feet that were meant to climb trees. The solids are far more forgiving.

In the same vein, flowers/designs on the toes or fingers of grown women. Again, I know this will irritate quite a few people because I see it all the time. At least on the toes there's a bit of whimsy in it, but a grown women with a garnet red, a summery coral or bright pink is much more classic and sophisticated. Unless you are going to wear it with your stripper flip flops, then, by all means, put a rainbow on your toe.

Giant platform flip-flops, so you can wear flip flops and look like a hooker. Doesn't the fact that they are high heels kind of negate the casual comfortable idea of flipflops? Do you know who I see these on all the time, my stripper clients. Do you want to look like a stripper? Oh, you do? Then by all means.

Tops that make every woman look like she's in the last month of her third trimester. Maternity tops as regular clothes, this trend was great when I was preggo because I could buy regular clothes in a larger size and skip the dorky maternity styles. Now that I've had the baby, I'm terrified someone's going to ask me when I'm due.

I saw a girl yesterday in a bikini with Uggs, it was way too Barbarella, couldn't she just wear the stripper flip flops?

Super-size sunglasses so now Grandma looks cool with her blue-blockers too, especially white ones.

Anything splashed across your butt
, juicy, stinky, slutty. I especially hate this on older women(trying too hard) and young girls(please don't encourage people to look at their heinies when they're 10, blech, creepy.)

What trend do you wish would finally keel over and go away never to return?

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Anonymous said... June 30, 2008 at 2:08 PM  

French tip pedicure in Los Angeles = midwestern gal that will be in porn within the next 2 weeks.

Butt crack needs to begone. It is not the new cleavage.

Anonymous said... June 30, 2008 at 4:01 PM  

I applaud you on all of these... please add platform stiletto heels.

Nothing says "whore, trying way too hard to look tall" like platform shooes.

Thanks for the visit.

Anonymous said... June 30, 2008 at 5:01 PM  

When I was 11, I would have killed and maimed to have platform flipflops. They were kind of hard to get in the Soviet Union, and the 3 girls in my class who had them RULED THE UNIVERSE.

formerly fun said... June 30, 2008 at 7:51 PM  

sue doe-
First, let me say I really like your site so thanks for coming here so I could find you there.

Second, oh yeah, you know Missy from Iowa's going to find her way to San Pornando Valley pretty quickly.

Third, I wholly concur on the butt crack. It's kind of like nudists, it sounds ok in theory but the people who actually practice it are never the ones you'd want to see.

Yes, platform stilettos, unless you are currently rockin' the pole, these are no good.

Are you from the former Soviet Union or were you living abroad? I would love to hear about life there.

When I was in 7th/8th grade, it was all about Tretorn sneakers and Forenza sweaters, that was back in like 1986.

Anonymous said... July 1, 2008 at 10:42 AM  

mmmmmm, stiletto heels!

formerly fun said... July 1, 2008 at 10:46 AM  

Don't worry S.D., the rules of fashion don't apply to the bedroom, otherwise I'd have to get rid of the sailor moon outfit.

Anonymous said... July 1, 2008 at 11:44 AM  

I am Sailor Moon! I stand for love. And I also stand for justice. And in the name of the Moon, I will punish you!

Anonymous said... July 1, 2008 at 1:37 PM  

Oh No! D'you mean I've been getting it ALL WRONG?? Sob!

If I get rid of it all, maybe I could keep the skanky hair extensions - that came from a dead person.

formerly fun said... July 1, 2008 at 1:48 PM  

Hmmm. someone who reads my blog knows the sailor moon catchphrase, I'm intrigued.

Anonymous said... July 14, 2008 at 3:56 PM  


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