Stars Collide, Worlds Divide with a Pretty Piece of Flesh

Last week I guest posted over at afreeman. Chris(the boy Chris) asked me(the girl Chris) to write about 1995 which made me look back on a difficult, yet pivotal time in my life. It was not an easy post for me since I actually had to reflect, ugh, which made me really tired.

Never one to miss an opportunity to exact a little revenge quid pro quo, I asked Chris(the boy Chris) to guest post over here at la maison du formerlyfun. I thought to myself, what topic can I pick that will equally flummox Chris(the boy Chris)*. Most of us know men are pretty simple straightforward. That old adage that to keep a man happy all you need are blowjobs and pizza isn't really that far off. This being the case, I didn't really need Chris(the boy Chris) to tell us about men. The old line, enough about me why don't you tell me what you think of me came to mind. What better question to ask a somewhat captive male what he thinks about us.

Chris(the boy Chris) shares his little piece of familial heaven with the hard-bargain driving, cutey pie, smarty pants Dr. O'C, boy Z(Chris and I are trying to work out some sort of modernish arranged marriage between his boy and the bebe) and Timmins the dog. Chris would probably pout a little if I was remiss in telling you his lady isn't the only doctor in the family, he is too, but not like a take off your clothes and check you out doctor, more like sit you down and teach you about genomes and shit. So give a warm welcome to Chris

*I briefly dated a Chris(not this Chris), after all it is a very common name and I dated a lot so I was bound to run into a Chris or two. I remember the ensuing confusion. It frequently devolved into a bad he's on first-like sketch. Plus, I could never call out his name during sex, it would have just seemed conceited.

Christ, would you look at all the pink around here? I feel like I’ve walked into Barbie’s boudoir. This makes my job here even more daunting. You see, Chris asked me to do a little guest post for her discussing “a progressive man’s take on female body image”. When I read that I blanched and murmured a despondent “oh, shit”.

You see, there is absolutely no way that I can write this post without getting in to some kind of trouble – with my partner, with my female readers, with Chris. I am a politically progressive kind of guy, a socialist really. But, when it comes to interpersonal, social and gender issues I’m kind of a traditional guy. Not that I think that a woman’s place is in the kitchen or that I want my beloved barefoot and pregnant or that a woman is nothing more than eye candy. But like any warm blooded man, nothing will stop me in my tracks like a scantily clad pretty piece of flesh.

Here’s the ugly truth, ladies: men are attracted by young, slim blondes with big knockers. Now, of course there are personal deviations. I, for example, am a sucker for a redhead. But in general, men of any political persuasion, social background or education accomplishment* come right to attention when confronted with a pair of long legs in a short skirt. It is just part of being a man.

Now, I think Chris had hoped that I was going to give you some insight into why we are reduced to drooling buffoons when confronted with a heaving bosom. As a geneticist, I always ask myself if the root of any behaviour lies embedded in our DNA. In the case of mate preference, probably not. The young thing, sure. Biologically our only job as men is to spread our seed and a young woman offers a better chance of reproductive success. But beyond that, if anything, we would be genetically drawn to small, hairy, wide-hipped women reminiscent of our Pleistocene ancestors and that certainly isn’t the case here in the early 21st century.

Realistically, the body image that most men drool over is a construct of advertising departments throughout the world. This is something that you already knew. Again, speaking personally, I spent my early teenage scanning for bits of bare skin in James Bond films, the Sears Catalog, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition and the occasional purloined Playboy. Inevitably, these objects of my curiosity were airbrushed, slim, busty, babes.

I learned as a young man that the ultimate in womanhood was Cheryl Tiegs, Brooke Shields, Alison Doody and Kelly LeBrock. Mmmm, Kelly LeBrock. There are thousands of reasonably untalented actresses and singers that owe their careers to an unholy alliance of advertising executives’ machinations and the fantasies of teenage boys.

I would now like to try and redeem my sex, or at least myself. Yes, we will stare, drool and yearn over any woman on the street that looks like a Bond girl. And yes, a tidy piece of totty will certainly get our attention more than a frumpy frau. If my beloved hadn’t been the hottest thing in the room on the night that I met her, I probably wouldn’t be where I am today. Equally, if the conversation hadn’t rolled like an out of control eighteen wheeler, we wouldn’t have gotten far either. We, of the shallower sex, are attracted by your physical features but what keeps us coming back for more is far deeper.

That being said, a nice pair of… ah, hell, let me quit while I’m ahead.

*Obviously we can exclude sexual predilection.

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A Free Man said... November 27, 2008 at 7:28 PM  

I think "simple" was pretty much right on as was your recipe for keeping a man happy. Thanks for letting me bring the level of dialogue down a bit over here.

Anonymous said... November 28, 2008 at 12:49 AM  

Hahahaha. Nice post. Though I think there might be quite a few reading this saying "say it isn't so!" but then others will just nod or shake their head in some sort of agreement. Though you mention big knockers quite a few times... sigh... sometimes women don't want men to just like slim, blond, long-legged big-busted kinda people. Yeah, that's the initial attraction and as you say rightly, it's their personality/mind/ other parts of them that keep you interested. And I know a lot of it is to do with media construction, but if you're a kinda neurotic person like me, it does just make you kinda worried. From a bitter, short, brown-haired flat-chested girl. Peace!
PS just cos the sort of girl mentioned above grabs your attention, doesn't mean men hold that as their ideal partner. Ideal fuck-buddy, maybe, but not ideal partner. Please?

Arizaphale said... November 28, 2008 at 3:54 AM  

I have it on good authority from my husband that overly big busts are 'too much' and long legs are intimidating. All this is good news for me. Actually I know a few men who prefer a few curves to an athletic butt. At least that's what they've told me. And I for one am prepared to believe them.

Michael from said... November 28, 2008 at 9:36 AM  

I'm sure A Free Man doesn't agree with anything else Glenn Beck says, but I did hear him once say on a radio program that, because he has daughters, they don't allow any magazines, papers, etc. (to the extent they can) to be in their home that depict women as airbrushed objects of perfect physical proportions.

I think this is probably a good idea, though the thought of canceling "Esquire" hurts me. So far, I've just been tearing off some of the covers.

formerly fun said... November 28, 2008 at 10:36 AM  

a freeman-
I would definatelt assert that you guys are way less complicated than we are. Thanks for the he said to my she said.

I would contend that as women, we're all neurotic as far as looks go. Some of the most physically beautiful women I've met are also some of the most insecure because so valued have they been on their looks, they're not sure what else they have to offer. I think most of us as we grow up realize that 'looks' comes down to a genetic crapshoot. You can make the most of what you've been given but some people just fare better. So at a certain point you stop looking for perfection and start focusing on attraction. When men reach this stage along with realizing they themselves are not perfect Adonis-like models of perfection, this is when the coupling happens. Since women have their own economic means now, men are also being forced to spend more attention on how they look. As one who has the opportunity to talkto men regarding 'beauty' issues, they obsess on their weight, fitness, hair loss, ear hair, butt hair, back hair, nose hair, penis size, slumpy shoulders, acne, spare tire..... With women, judgement of us based on looks is just more front and center. Take heart petite,chestnut-haired, perky tata'd vixen, those long-legged, busty and thin, perfect complexted, sexually adept.......they are the minority.

There is certainly such thing as too much of a good thing. I had a breast reduction in my early twenties for that very reason. I think as a women you have to work what you have, accentuate the positive and look at yourself the way others no doubt more kindly do. Chris is right, men do look at attractive women but it always floors me how much gentler they judge women's bodies than women do. I would say I look like I'm a kid, I am too short with a big butt and thighs a round face. Hubs? He says I look like a nublie teenager some days and a sophisticated twenty something others. He tells me he loves the way my soft body feels and that if I lose weight, it better not come out of my rear. He expounds on my small waist and heart-shaped face. It's taken awhile, but I am slowly learning to see me as he does rater than assess my looks compared to media images of women that aren't even real.

Father Muskrat-
Hubs and I are also careful what media messages we let in with reagrd to all three of our kids. They'll be exposed to them eventually but we figure if you can keep the messages out while they form some of their most basic connections it will help later.

The other thing we do is try and keep our issues away from the kids. Hubs and I occassionally watch what we it to lose a few pounds but we never talk about dieting around the kids, or food being bad or anything. We also make sure to compliment our girls onmuch more than their looks and praise our son for things like being a great brother, a good friend, a helpful part of our family. He's eight and last year his 'girlfriend' was a cute but shy and bookish girl and we talked all the time with him about how we liked her, how smart and kind she was, how being nice and intelligent was such a big part of how pretty she was. Who knows but we know they look to us and I would much rather we set the tone than the Cartoon network where they'd see things like Bratz dolls which totally disgust me.

Anonymous said... November 28, 2008 at 12:34 PM  

great responses f/f. I do think the media makes a lot of people insecure or unhappy, as we are "told" we should look a certain way, that that is what men find attractive, and though it is similar for men, I do think there is much more pressure on women, or maybe that's just the people I hang out with. Or maybe I'm totally mistaken! And I think you're doing a great job with your kids- I remember sneakily buying teen magazines when I was 10 or so, loving the makeup, sex information etc, but also learning what was expected from me as a girl- not the best advice I don't think. Good post to think about!

Anonymous said... November 28, 2008 at 1:24 PM  

"Better know how to hold a conversation with your man. And better know how to do that as well as you know how to play around in bed. Because some day that's the only thing you'll have left to hold his attention. And the only thing he'll be capable of paying attention to."
I love anonymous for that.
In the meantime I'm practicing at being a better conversationalist with my man. 'Cause he's just the kind of guy whose attention I would like to hold for a very long time.

Not Afraid to Use It said... November 28, 2008 at 4:12 PM  

Yeah, I got a whiff of the "traditionalist" Chris in his comment on my male birth control thread.

I think quite a few of us women go for the pretty guy, too. Both sexes go through it and (most of us) realize that beauty is nice, but it has to be combined with something else. Whether it is ambition, conversation, intellect, etc. There has to be something else there. Great post!

Bluestreak said... December 6, 2008 at 8:48 AM  

A Free Man - thanks for the honesty. But that´s bad news about the boobage. Oh well, I guess my legs, though they aren´t what they were, are still kickin.

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