Vintage Vag - Same as It Ever Was

This is a vintage ad for Lysol brand douche. Seriously, I'm not even making this up, Lysol used to make douche. Yes, the same Lysol that you may or may not clean and disinfect your floors with. How dirty are your nether regions if you have to get the Lysol out? Or maybe, just maybe this is yet one more way to keep a bitch down. Ladies, take it from me because I know(remember I see a lotta cha in my biz), your 'ginas don't need Lysol.

Husbands, do you want your wives to be feminine? Ladies, do you want to try Demure so you can discover how completely feminine you can be? Do you want to freshen your lady business? Come on, they're promising it will make you feel very special 'down there'. Special? You know what will also make you feel special 'down there'?

And I quote,
"Bidette is your assurance of all day daintiness."
I don't think I want to be assured of all day daintiness. Maybe all day sexiness or all day smartness or even all day smartassishness, but daintiness not so much.
"Keep Bidette handy and deal with a woman's problem like a woman."
So what is the alternative? Deal with a woman's problem a man's way? Try to fix it yourself and then end up making it way worse and having to call in a professional to get it done right? Or ignoring it until your wife finely gets frustrated and does it herself?
This one's called Pristeen. Oh boy. This one says to me that if you don't get that vaginal odor under control, you are going to be sitting on some beach by yourself with a book. Yes please. I'll take my vag odor cause that beach is looking pretty awesome.
"The real problem is trying to keep the most girl part of you free of any worry making odors."
The most girl part of me?

I'm going to use this as my new euphemism for my vagina.

Husband, I would like you to touch the most girl part of me tonight.

Nurse, I'd like to make my annual appointment to have the most girl part of me checked out.
Ok client x, now take off your clothes so I can wax the most girl part of you.

Seriously, I am going to try to work that into a sentence at least one a day.
Now if you think that as women, we have moved past the idea that our vaginas are somehow dirty, or broken or require anything more than a gentle cleansing in the shower or bath, think again.
Exhibit A

Female Total Odor Control
Availability: Usually ships in 2-3 business days.
Item #: FEM-D
Price: $17.95

Product Description
12 inches long Round and curvy, sleek Feminine odor control Now we have a pad designed just for you. Neutralizes odors with our exclusive activated charcoal cloth material. It will last several weeks - depending on usage Ultra-soft Washable and reusable Comfortable Highly absorbent Very Thin Details:1 Pad and 10 Double Sided Tape strips Instructions

A pantylineresque thing that "lasts for several weeks"? Something that requires double-sided tape near my girl bits? Pass.

Exhibit B

This one is tricky because it's marketed to be female friendly and hip. Look one's called Shower of Power. That's right girls, when your vag is squeaky clean you feel powerful.
"This unique and modern advance in intimate care, coined our Shower of Power, consists of single dose packettes of intimate waters, Spot Clean! that blend with lukewarm 'H-2-oh'(water), and is carefully monitored by our temperature sensitive "smart" bidet bottle label that reads READY. SPOT. GO. when "temperature-sweet" for that extra care down there. The result is a skin-softening, cleansing, spot-refreshing 'portable bidet'"
External water freshening, doesn't sound so bad. Look, it even comes in different scents.

citrus galbanum
geranium lavendar
basil grapefruit

Unless your husband/boyfriend/lover/girlfriend is a bee, I think making your cha cha smell like fruit and herbs is a bad idea. If anything, your guy would rather have it smell like pizza and beer than basil grapefruit.

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derfina said... February 22, 2009 at 7:53 PM  

Also, note the rather penis-y shape to exhibit A?

Anonymous said... February 22, 2009 at 8:11 PM  

The bit about dealing with a woman's problem in a man's way cracked me up.

Maybe I'm missing something, but if a woman really has that much of a problem with odor, shouldn't she be visiting her doctor?

Anonymous said... February 22, 2009 at 8:59 PM  

I Luv Pizza!

Anonymous said... February 22, 2009 at 11:09 PM  

You know how men, upon hearing of something painful happening to another man's 'most boy part', have to kind of touch their own 'most boy part' out of sympathy? I am on the verge of touching my 'most girl part' out of sympathy for ANY woman who would do ANY of that to their 'most girl part'. Oy vey!
You are TOO funny!

Anonymous said... February 23, 2009 at 10:58 AM  




Rassles said... February 23, 2009 at 12:51 PM  

I'm pretty sure that if I was cleaning something "a man's way" there'd be no cleaning products involved. Pile things in the corner, shrug. Watch Sons of Anarchy.

Anonymous said... February 23, 2009 at 5:43 PM  

"The vagina is a self-cleansing organ." -- from "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues" by Tom Robbins.

A Free Man said... February 23, 2009 at 7:50 PM  

You know, I'm just not going to say anything about girl parts and odors, but why do you reckon 'douchebag' became an insult? Any thoughts Ms. Cha Cha?

jean said... February 23, 2009 at 8:04 PM  

Good lord. Why don't they make this crap for men? Actually, they should just not make it all. We smell. Get over it. Take a shower, use soap and got on with life.

Anonymous said... February 23, 2009 at 8:53 PM  

I think I just spit soda through my nose.... thanks :)

Anonymous said... February 24, 2009 at 2:11 AM  

I'm glad I've grown up in a time where I dont have to squirt water and soap inside myself and give myself thrush. thank goodness. Hello fellows, have a problem with unwanted scent in your most manliness of places? Try squirting some perfume down your japseye*, that'll do it.

* i don't actually know the correct term, I used to actually think that was what it called, til I realised it was a quite racist euphamism. Apologies.

nutmeg said... February 24, 2009 at 8:12 AM  

The most girl part of me is still freaking out from your juxtaposition of the words douche and Lysol.

Gypsy said... February 24, 2009 at 12:17 PM  

That Lysol must have stung, you know? Also, the punani should smell like punani, not wild flowers or whatever the hell else.

MJ said... February 25, 2009 at 11:54 AM  

Pizza and beer!

Now there's a product that would make some money...

Unknown said... February 28, 2009 at 8:32 AM  

This is just too funny. And I absolutely agree with everything you say. I'll also take the beach and the book over smelling good any day.

GirlGriot said... March 2, 2009 at 2:55 PM  

Chris, you are just not allowed to make me shout with laughter while sitting at my desk pretending to work on grant proposals. Come on, give a girl a break.

I love that Lysol ad. The photo is priceless. The most girl part of me is oh so glad I've never tried any of this shite.

Bluestreak said... March 8, 2009 at 1:43 PM  

FF, I love it when you get like this.

Arizaphale said... March 21, 2009 at 6:07 PM  

I had forgotten about this stuff. It was all the rage in my teenage years along with 'dry' shampoo. Do they STILL make it? (well der...obviously).

VaginalOdor said... July 14, 2009 at 11:44 AM  

Really good stuff. On a serious note a the product Femanol really does work for vaginal odor.

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