World's Oldest Spiderweb Found in My Bathroom

I am not a good sleeper. Hubs on the other hand goes gently into that good night the minute his head hits the pillow. My head is like an old computer trying to shut down, slowly closing each window, getting hung up in things here and there. These are the things that I start thinking about at 11:30pm when I should be sleeping:

1. Oxford University paleobiologist Martin Brasier recently discovered a 140-million-year-old spider web. A real find and further proof that I'm not the only second-rate housekeeper.

2. With regard to women, we talk about having it all a lot. We never talk about men having it all. Do you know why? Because having it all really means doing it all.

3. If I hear one more mom talking about buying lots of presents to make it a good Christmas for her children I might lose my mind. Since when has Christmas been about tonnage? If I think back about cherished childhood Christmas memories, rarely are they about the presents. There are a few standouts when I got something I had really wanted but mostly it's about the feeling and being together and parents being more relaxed due to a few days off work, and mostly, anticipation. When did so many parents priorities go askew?

4. Last night (don't ask me why) I explained the euphemism "dropping the kids off at the pool” to my kids. I explained euphemism(teaching moment) and then detailed exactly who the 'kids' were and what the 'pool' referred to(less of a teaching moment). I thought for sure I was introducing new lexicon into the entire third grade class, a swift revenge for some of the things my son has picked up. Turns out, it was a big winner with my four year old daughter who now announces every bm with, “I'm going to drop the kids off at the pool.” Good times, good times.

5.The bebe has her core words, ma, dada, ba(bottle),up, cat, kittie, she is also at that verbal stage where her mumblings are starting to sound like words, even whole phrases. Sure, she doesn't mean it when she says things that sound like, can I have some kimchi, but I swear to god this morning she said what sounded like, mom I need to finish my doctoral thesis, can you get me a double espresso.

6. You know what's at the top of my Christmas list this year? A day with just my husband at the movie plex catching up on all of the holiday Oscar contenders, eating loads of popcorn, Twizzlers and getting sore bums from an eight hour movie marathon. Oh, and a cleaning lady.

7. Though I know there are only a select few who care about the kids stuff on the site, I am going to post another video of my bebe dancing. I just need to document that she is a mambo master, a samba sage, a veritable hip hop savant. She has unparalleled rhythm, she is a genius of beat. This special ability is not present in all my kids. My eight year old has repeatedly attempted break dancing and it looks remarkably like a seizure. My four year old as evidenced in the previous video, has dancing skills reminiscent of Elaine from Seinfeld all flailing and odd off beat jutting kicks.

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Gypsy said... December 17, 2008 at 1:26 PM  

Maybe 5 is a precursor of things to come? Get ready.

Also, why is it that every time I get the blogger word verification thing wrong I feel like such a failure?

Spatula said... December 17, 2008 at 1:32 PM  

OMG, hiphop bebe is really something. Also, she has hair!!!

Anonymous said... December 17, 2008 at 6:22 PM  

Awesome! This is like Christmas week for me. She is toooo cute!

Anonymous said... December 17, 2008 at 6:25 PM  

I think the world's oldest spiderweb is between my mil's legs.

derfina said... December 17, 2008 at 7:26 PM  

She's got rhythm!

A Free Man said... December 17, 2008 at 9:51 PM  

Why do you keep rubbing my face in it? I mean, it's bad enough that my kid can't dance, but you just keep posting these videos of your dancing daughter. All right, no sleep tonight Zach - we're learning to dance, boy.

Anonymous said... December 17, 2008 at 10:16 PM  

dude, the moment the music turns on she ditches poor Mr. Frog! =(

Anonymous said... December 17, 2008 at 10:25 PM  

Having it all means doing it all - a woman from my son's preschool was on a rant last year at the kids' Christmas party (wrong place, right time) that culminated in "Do you know why men can still believe in Santa? Because they wake up on December 25 and Christmas just FUCKING HAPPENS!"

Very, very good point - I've never thought about it like that. I will now.

Anonymous said... December 17, 2008 at 11:30 PM  

What is that shoulder roll up thing she does when she goes to pick up the frog? Hip hop horay!

Anonymous said... December 18, 2008 at 12:29 AM  

hahah nice comment praying_to_darwin.

I just wrapped all our presents last night and did the decorations, cos if left to MrC it wouldn't happen. Though he is cooking food for our Christmas party today.

Dropping the kids off at the pool...never heard it before but so going to use it. my favourite euphamism for being sick is praying to the porcelain god. Err, yeah.

Anonymous said... December 18, 2008 at 9:24 AM  

Of course Christmas isn't about gifts! It's about food and stuffing yourself to a point where you have to unbutton and lay in the bathroom while the party continues because you've stuffed yourself with mashed potatoes and noodles and pie. THAT is truly how to have a good Christmas. OBviously.

And my word verification is fleshi. The universe is making a point.

Rassles said... December 18, 2008 at 9:59 AM  

Fuck that, I want presents. I'm getting real curtains this year, and thank god, because there are blankets stapled over my windows.

Arizaphale said... December 25, 2008 at 10:05 PM  

That kid id a natural! And she can't help herself, she is a slave to the rhythm!!

Cleaning lady. Yup that would be top of my list. I have a spider web I am nurturing to see how long it will last. Guess Dr Brasier just stole MY thunder :-(

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