This Should be Fun, or Humiliating or at Least a Book Review

One of my clients has a son the same age as mine so we trade stories and notes and suggestions. A few weeks ago she told me that her and her husband had embarked on the detailed where babies come from discussion. I immediately started thinking that perhaps my husband and I were behind the ball on this one. I asked how it went.

"Oh, not good", she told me, "not at all good."

Apparently this gentle parent-child conversation about the miracles of life had ended with her nine year old son in tears, yep, crying, big, wet, messy nine year old boy tears saying something along the lines of "Daddy does that to you ?" in disbelief and confusion.

So, needless to say, I am a wee bit gun shy about telling my son that yes, Daddy gives me a back rub and begs until I let him put his pizza* in my oven(and sometimes my microwave) and then we watch another episode of Six Feet Under until we fall asleep.

Then I remembered one of my all time favorite books, discovered at my cousin's house so many years ago.

Does this ring a bell for any of you??
This is the book that explains an orgasm to kids, so, uh, reading this with my nine year old should be a lot of fun for everyone.

It feels like a sneeze but much better, and if Daddy's feeling generous, you might get four or five"sneezes".
My husband and I do not look like that. He has hair on his head and I wax. Oh and for accuracy kids, Daddy's way too tall to have sex in the bathtub. We actually look a lot more like this.
Nothing screams intimacy and tenderness like bubble wrap thigh highs on a man.

Unless you're Daddy.

I ordered the puberty version. I figured I'd give Where Did I Come from a chance to sink in before springing puberty on him.

Can't wait to hear what he tells his friends.

*I actually told the bebe that Daddy has a pizza rather than a penis since she is all about the tmi right now. I figured this would avoid an embarrassing mishap at places like the grocery store and bank. Now if she tells the teller that I was eating Daddy's pizza, the teller will just think my husband likes to cook traditional southern Italian food. When she's older, I will tell her the truth, that that is where jewelry comes from.

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sid said... February 19, 2010 at 2:47 AM  

Bwahaha. This was friggin hilarious. I loved the "daddy does this to you" part. Man I'm totally sending all my friends this way.

Rassles said... February 19, 2010 at 9:34 AM  

I was hanging out with two friends, Bill and Kim. Fourth grade. We built a fort and caused a general ruckus in my parents' living room, and my mom strolling over and asked us what came we were doing and I said, "We're playing sexy stuff."

Kim freaked out and told my mom, "No, no, no, that is NOT what we are doing," and she started to cry. Bill mocks her mercilessly for crying, because he's a boy and he and Kim weren't really friends anyway.

And I, being the shining beacon of maturity that I am/was, started testing words on my mom. "We were playing sexy stuff? We were playing...stuff? We were playing sexy? We were playing sex?" and then Bill started laughing again, and Kim cried harder and demanding that we weren't playing sex, and Bill was all, "YES WE ARE!" And I thought the whole thing was hysterical, and my mom had to call all of the parents and Kim went home crying (she never came over again) and me and Bill got The Talk from our moms, together.

When it was over we were all sheepish and assured our mothers that no, we were NOT playing sex.

Rassles said... February 19, 2010 at 9:36 AM  

Thinking about it, Bill was like the bane of my existence in the sexual department. Because of him, I thought a blow job involved a hair-dryer. For like a year.

Rassles said... February 19, 2010 at 9:39 AM  

Also, did you read that first paragraph I wrote? How dyslexic am I?

formerly fun said... February 19, 2010 at 9:41 AM  

Rassles, I love when you are dyslexic.

Sid-thanks, come back b/c when I write about actually reading the book with him, I'm sure it ill be even funnier, in an uncomfortable sort of way.

Blues said... February 19, 2010 at 1:02 PM  

bathtub sex never works.

I had heard that sneeze thing before. I don't think I agree with the analogy.

Shelley said... February 19, 2010 at 1:39 PM  

'That's where all of the jewelry comes from'.

You are magical, my dear. Pure magical.

wv: ronal. It sounds vaguely like something that should be in the book, right after frontal.

Arizaphale said... February 19, 2010 at 2:37 PM  

FF and Rassles: two laughs in one post! What value :-D
I remember that book. My mum had it for my youngest sister (I don't think it was written when I was that age). I learned about it in the normal way. From some kids in a fort in the lounge room.

said... February 19, 2010 at 10:08 PM  

Wow, that's awesome! I'm so sending my kids to you for the facts of life when the time comes!

Laura said... February 20, 2010 at 4:59 AM  

You are so damn funny. I like the pizza thing-- I may need to use that.

formerly fun said... February 20, 2010 at 8:10 AM  

Blues- Yep, all a tangly mess of limbs, plus water never the lubrication you'd think it would be huh?

Baroness-I think it's important that girls know where jewelry comes from no? And ronal is the mechanism that causes parents to blush when they talk to their kids about sex.

Arizaphale- That's how I mostly learned too, I know by providing accurate information, I am robbing my kids of the power of their imaginations when it comes to sex and pregnancy. Well, at least neither of my girls will ever do jumping jacks to avoid getting pregnant.

We actually gave him both books last night and it went swimmingly. He read on his own and then I talked to him and we had a little light hearted banter at dinner, I highly recommend the books for easily and comfortably opeing up the dialogue.

Florida Girl-I bet you have a really nice ring, wink, wink nudge, nudge.

julie said... February 20, 2010 at 2:22 PM  

I TOTALLY remember that book!

Michelle said... February 21, 2010 at 5:48 PM  

OMG! We had both of those books when I was a kid. I remember that my mom had hidden them in her bathroom vanity for some reason (I guess so we wouldn't find them before she had a chance to read them with us?) and I sat there and thumbed through the books with eyes as wide as saucers.

Wow, this post just brought back some weird memories.

Mandy said... February 24, 2010 at 7:49 AM  

i never thought to compare an orgasm to a sneeze. i wonder how they'd feel simultaneously...

Gwen said... February 24, 2010 at 8:34 PM  

How is an orgasm like a sneeze? Now I'm wondering if I've ever had an orgasm. I know you said they have a kiddie book and a puberty book on these matters - Do they have a grown up book? Preferably including a chapter entitled, "How do I know if I'm having an orgasm?"

In all honesty, I have had an orgasm. But it wasn't like a sneeze. So now I'm wondering if my orgasms are the same as other people's orgasms.

Anyway, I don't talk with my 4 year old about sex but I do talk with her about genitals. I'm hoping to give her the sex talk gradually. Like just give her bits and pieces over many years so it's not such a shock. As of right now she's really grossed out by penises (penii?). Like whenever I change her new little brother's diaper she gets all weirded out and behaves as if she just saw a bug. I hope she keeps that up for the next two decades.

Gwen said... February 24, 2010 at 8:39 PM  

I mean, I hope she keeps up with the getting grossed out by all penises for the next two decades. I had to clarify that last sentence because it sounded kind of like I was referring only to her being weirded out by her brother's penis when really I meant all of them.

Sorry. I'm sleep deprived and not making a whole lot of sense these days.

Brandi Shae said... February 25, 2010 at 1:43 PM  

Great write!! This is hilarious. This blog was featured in my StumbleUpon e-mail and here I am!

Tasneem said... February 26, 2010 at 6:18 AM  

Hi I recently blogged about awkward questions from my son and sid directed me to your blog. I'm all the way from South Africa, definately gonna add you to my blogroll. Thanks Sid!

Nichole said... April 30, 2010 at 10:37 AM  

My mom gave us the same book! I found the entire thing horrifying.

Gappy said... April 30, 2010 at 1:52 PM  

Oh my god I don't believe it. That was the book my mother gave me to learn about 'the birds and the bees.' That and another one called 'Growing up, feeling good' which had a picture of loads of people wearing flares who obviously lived in some sort of commune. Aw.. now I feel all sentimental.

desert demons said... October 14, 2010 at 4:07 AM  

I still have nightmares about that book! Its still in the bookshelf tho - God forbid that my mum decides to use it on any of her grandchildren!

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