Me and My Crack-Loving Bebe


I sincerely believe that my almost two year old, Izzy, purposefully makes a grand mess of herself at dinner so that she can harangue a second bath or shower out of me. First, she loves water more than any kid I've ever known. I start the shower in the morning and she opens the door and sits down right under the icy water squealing with absolute delight while I stand safely outside the glass door waiting for the water to warm. Second, she doesn't embody the food at any other meal, just dinner. Third, she does this food performance art at the very end of the meal, my guess being that she doesn't want to have to remain in the gooey, ketchup bedazzled, yogurt-haired, jellied-nose state for too long. Likewise, when she is done rubbing the remains of pizza up her forearms and stringing linguine between her toes or letting a few pieces of chocolate(proud parent moment #52- my husband, himself a chocolate fiend, has taught the bebe to call chocolate crack) artfully melt betwixt her fingertips and finger paints herself like some pornographic, viral video I have heard about but not seen, she looks into my eyes and says baf? showa? as if it were a foregone conclusion.

Proud parent moment #53, this one my fault. Izzy used do raspberries with mouthfuls of milk. She did this while laying on her back, thus spraying milk all over her face and earning her the nickname, Bukake Bebe(Grandma, please don't google bukake). I know, I know, having her ball her little fists, get all red in the face and shout, "mo crack pop-pop, more crack pease" and giving her TripleX nicknames is not exactly an auspicious beginning. Whatever, my mom let me dress like a whore (for Halloween mostly) and pretend to smoke her cigarettes and I turned out okay, sorta.

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11 comments:

A Free Man said... July 21, 2009 at 11:20 PM  

I've never made the connection between the dinner disaster and the subsequent shower - interesting. I think you could be write. I just thought my kid was a slob.

But bukake baby? That's fucking twisted.

Mongoliangirl said... July 22, 2009 at 7:32 PM  

And my mother let me dress as a drunk hobo for Halloween.

Florida Girl In Sydney said... July 22, 2009 at 8:01 PM  

And when someone says something to my kids which they deem weird, they say, "Are you on crack?"-- sounds awesome coming from a four year old. Of course they got it from me.

Theresa B (of Nebulopathy) said... July 27, 2009 at 8:15 AM  

Oh, this is all kinds of wrong, but damn it's funny!

baronessvonb said... July 27, 2009 at 5:23 PM  

I knew someone whose daughter, if she did not like her ensemble of the day, would deliberately spill something all the way down the front so she would have to change.

Into something SHE wanted to wear.

So maybe Bebe is a potential, um, naturalist.

Just be glad that she loves water - unlike young men who think they can stretch those journeys into water out for days at a time. Gah.

Rassles said... July 28, 2009 at 12:03 AM  

I've seen that viral, pornographic video, and believe me: you don't want to see it.

Also, you are the best mother ever.

Captain Steve said... July 28, 2009 at 10:52 AM  

My niece adores baths. Mostly for the toys, I think.

Bukake bebe? I just spit milk.

Gypsy said... July 29, 2009 at 6:33 AM  

You guys crack me up. Crack? Bukake? Nice.

Queen of everything said... August 1, 2009 at 5:56 PM  

Be proud, you are raising a child that is independent, but you will probably have to homeschool this one.

Great story. Thumbs.

Kathy said... August 1, 2009 at 6:01 PM  

Simple solution to issue #1 would be to make bath time a part of her bedtime routine, taking place AFTER dinner. If she knows she's getting a bath anyway she will be more likely to actually eat her dinner instead of using it to manipulate you.

Arizaphale said... August 12, 2009 at 2:18 PM  

Just catchin' up here. I googled bukake once after seeing it on another blog. I never cease to be amazed by the new things I learn.

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