I've Saved You a Stool, Come Shit Right Over Here

What a wonderful and informative world we live in.

It's Friday and I am at the spa. Having been stood up be my 10 o'clock client and my next client scheduled at 2:30, I gorged on $25 worth of Thai food(they won't deliver just one thing and I am too lazy to give up my primo parking spot) and proceeded to surf the web.

At the risk of oversharing, my colon has recently instituted a work slowdown. Maybe it's in protest to the deep fried twinkie I ate earlier in the week at the Orange County Fair but things are not right. I even programmed my Ipod for a little inspiration.

The Constipation Compilation
Stuck in the Middle With You- Beatles
Patience- Guns 'N Roses

One More Cup of Coffee- Bob Dylan

Drop It Like It's Hot- Snoop Dog
Free Falling- Tom Petty

Push It- Salt 'N Pepa

Anticipation- Carly Simon

Break My Body- Pixies

The Hardest Button to Button- The White Stripes

I'm Not Gonna Cry- Sharon Jones/Dap Kings

Stay Just a Little Bit Longer- The Zodiacs
After the Rain Has Fallen- Sting
More Than a Feeling- Sleater-Kinney
Dig Me Out- Sleater-Kinney

Wanna Be Starting Something- Michael Jackson
Waiting on a Friend- Rolling Stones
I'm Sticking With You- The Velvet Underground
Ready to Go- Republica
Are You Alright- Lucinda Williams
At the Bottom of Everything- Bright Eyes

Something in the Way She Moves- James Taylor
Peekaboo- Siouxsie & the Banshees
Hanging on Too Long- Duffy
I Say a Little Prayer- Dionne Warwick

Move You- Anya Marina
Should I Stay or Should I Go- the Clash

Today's the Day- Aimee Mann
Hallelujah- Rufus Wainwright

Take Me to the River- Talking Heads

So I decided to use my lull time at work to do a little research to set this current situation right. Of course, I contacted a trusted expert Butt Doctor Wikipedia. Now I am a simple girl, words are good butt a picture is always worth a thousand turds and affords one more time to go back for seconds on Thai takeout.

Yes, what an informative world we live in. Nearly every detail of our lives can be shatalogued and compared. Norms are measured, baselines are set. Nothing, I mean nothing, is sacred.


I just cannot imagine that someone hasn't put this on a t-shit yet. Oh, wait...
That's better.

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18 comments:

Shittin' Daddy said... July 31, 2009 at 1:27 PM  

Very funny! Laughed so hard I crapped me pants!

formerly fun said... July 31, 2009 at 1:31 PM  

Aww thanks honey, glad one of us is going.

Do you know what accountants do when they are constipated?

They work it out with a pencil.

A #2 pencil.

GingerMandy said... July 31, 2009 at 3:34 PM  

wow. that playlist had me in a ridiculous fit of laughter at my desk. priceless.

i just ate some thai too, i know how you feel... *gurgle*

Ginny said... July 31, 2009 at 6:14 PM  

"The Hardest Button to Button"? I never would have thought, but you're so right.

Did that Thai food help?

erin said... August 1, 2009 at 6:24 AM  

I hate poop and now I hate you.
;)

Captain Steve said... August 1, 2009 at 8:25 AM  

Dude, you suck. Of course, I had to look at the chart and see which ones mine most often looks like? And then, of course, I remembered Oprah's poo episode with Dr. Oz (my roommate is in love with him) and how he said poo is sposed to be shaped like a backwards C or S and none of those look like that, so now I'm all confused and completely uncertain as to whether my intestines are happy or not.

Blues said... August 1, 2009 at 9:45 AM  

I love the inspiration song list. I´ll have to bring that on my ipod when we go camping and my body refuses to take a dump.

A Free Man said... August 1, 2009 at 10:08 PM  

Okey, dokey then.

Mongoliangirl said... August 2, 2009 at 5:44 AM  

This makes me think of the days when you were blogging about EZ Prep, I was blogging about being "abundantly full of poo", and we wanted to trade places. Oh, the kismet of it all!
P.S. AFM was a little disturbed back then as well.

Mongoliangirl said... August 2, 2009 at 5:53 AM  

I think I know whose fault this is...
http://canofwhupass.typepad.com/my_weblog/2009/07/this-week-in-poop.html

Hockey Girl said... August 3, 2009 at 4:00 PM  

Now I have to look next time I go and refer back to your chart..cant wait

Rassles said... August 4, 2009 at 7:51 AM  

Crap makes me feel awkward. Unless we stick with calling it crap. But once someone says poop, I'm like mortally offended and disgusted.

I don't know why.

Mercuriam said... August 6, 2009 at 2:48 PM  

Nice list! Good for some laughs! I love it when a lady can appreciate some poop humour. Between this list and the diarrhea song, you've really shown your poop joke chops!

One quick correction... "Stuck in the middle with you" was recorded by "Steeler's wheel".

Check out me blog @
http://www.mercuriam.blogspot.com

well read hostess said... August 7, 2009 at 7:07 AM  

You should start a movement with this kind of thing. I mean, I'm sure it would rate at least #2 on Technorati.


Made my day. I swear to you, I'm ordering a poster of that chart and putting it in my bathroom just to see my mother's reaction.

Arizaphale said... August 12, 2009 at 2:27 PM  

Something In The way She Moves...bwhahahahahahahahaha
Hope you are on the move now too.

Romius T. said... September 2, 2009 at 12:55 PM  

I can't tell you how long I have been searching for the stool chart with pictures. This is so cool as I have a poop wdatch on my blog to keep keep track of my poop and this chart will definitely help!

Chris of Arabia said... November 23, 2009 at 7:12 AM  

I find this corner of the blogosphere with some degree of delight, for it would seem that I am not the only one to encounter and write about the Bristol Stool Scale - Congratulations BMI. More than that, I'm almost ecstatic to find that both Republica and Siousie & the Banshees made it Stateside. I'm as happy as a pig in shit, if I may be so bold...

Anonymous said... January 17, 2011 at 3:10 AM  

Team poo: loving the constipation playlist! i poo once every few days but my housemate poo's several times a day, ranging from type 2-5 on the scale. should we be worried? Looking forward to a reply.
Happy Pooing
TEAM POO xx

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