Revenge: A Dish Best Served With Sad Puppy Eyes

Clearly I am not in "writing" mode. Sorry to blog about blogging because it's normally verboten in my book but it is what it is. I am in the midst of trying to move the spa closer to my home and I am inches away from going to fisticuffs with my current landlord. Were it not for the lovely manicure I recently got, I would have already broken some teeth. Sorry, I am feeling a little violent right now and no doubt just need to vent.

I am a model tenant, not model like Tyra Banks, model like good and equipped with timely rent payments and low maintenance(shut up hubs, I am low maintenance with him). My lease is up at the end of October and I am trying to exit gracefully but he is being, well, a prick. He is a lazy, greedy, cheap, sleazy, dishonest slug(no offense to slugs). I am trying to conjure up the right words and visualizing him is making my skin crawl, literally, like in those horror movies where skin actually crawls.

My recent interactions with him have me contemplating all these very non-Buddhist, complicated, multi-layered revenge fantasies. This is not healthy. I've spent years squaring up my Karmic debts, the last thing I want to do is rack up more.

But be warned Burt*(that is the human name for this lizard, no offense to lizards). I don't want to go have to work in a soup kitchen for weekends in a row to right the wrongs I am considering doing to you but I will. Don't underestimate my willingness to go to the darkside to prove a point. You are wrong and I am right and if you want to check in with my husband to see if I back down when challenged, be my guest.

In lieu of genuine Karma-challenging revenge, with my landlord's phone numbers in hand, I am considering the annoying but harmless promise of excessive, interrupting cell phone calls. To that end, I have devised my faux craigslist post.

Please Adopt My Doggie -- Free Yellow Lab Pup to Good Home

Date: 2009-09-01, 7:45PM PDT
Reply to: thelizardathisworkemail

This is Maya. Cute isn't she?
We got Maya just a few weeks ago but must find her a new home because our young son is terribly allergic. Maya is 10 weeks, all Lab but with no AKC pedigree. She was purchased from a reputable local breeder, socialized with kids around and has had her first series of pup vaccinations but will need another round next month. She is sweet tempered and gentle and we are sad to have to let her go but as long as it's to a good home, we'll be happy. We are not asking any monetary compensation for her, it is hard enough to see her go we just want the right home, someone who will treat her well and make her part of the family.

If you are the right home and can provide all the love we intended to, please call #310-xxx-xxxx.

It's TOTALLY ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests or even copious ads for penis enlargement, Viagra and Canadian Pharmaceuticals and Nigerian Ponzy Schemes.


I think he'll get a few calls no?

*Pseudonym and no offense to Burt's everywhere.

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Laura said... September 2, 2009 at 3:02 AM  

Why not "include" the AKC papers, that would probably spark a feverish pace of calls. When I was in middle school my sister and I did something just like this.

And then of course there was the bowling alley phone calls.
"Hi, do you have 10lb. balls?"

Hey, what goes around comes around-- I'm sure he's more than deserving of this and you sound like you're due to let loose a little in the revenge dept. Bad karma is only for people who really deserve it-- there are so many of them, surely you'll have no issue for your little go at him.

A Free Man said... September 2, 2009 at 6:25 AM  

Making a mental note about not getting on your bad side. And no matter how frequently you post, you get a bonus gold star for the proper use of verboten in a sentence. And for not blogging about blogging. That's two gold stars.

~Mountain Lover~ said... September 2, 2009 at 7:43 AM  

Brilliant! Better post it from the library computer or something. Just in case.

Rassles said... September 3, 2009 at 10:21 PM  

This is hilarious, because I literally just wrote and did not post a rant about people who give up their dogs. And because you are clever.

well read hostess said... September 4, 2009 at 9:23 AM  

Where will the cha waxing go if you move out of your space?

Offer him a free manzillian and overheat the wax a little!

Heather said... September 4, 2009 at 8:08 PM  

This is just a work of art. I am proud to know of you and have seen this awesome prank idea.


Blues said... September 6, 2009 at 7:42 AM  

I love it. That guy didn't know who the hell he was messin with.

gap said... September 12, 2009 at 3:29 PM  

Craigslist loyalists are crazy. That ad would be flagged. When I post ads like this I never have more than 2 minutes board time. I hope you posted it.

There is a lot of good free information on tenant landord law-and there are a lot of things you can do in defense of your rights.

I have spoken to this man myself and I know firsthand that he's good. Real good. For 100 bucks he can tell you exactly what you can do to move things more into the direction of fair. But there's a lot of good stuff on his site that's free and valuable.

Gypsy said... September 14, 2009 at 8:36 AM  

Sorry about the landlord problems. I hope things turn out in your favor.

Aww, what a sweet little pup. If you're thinking about a dog, consider a poodle -- they're hypoallergenic.

Shelley Jaffe said... September 17, 2009 at 8:11 PM  

I am so relieved to hear you are not a model like Tyra-model. Bitch scares the poop out of me, going all back and forth between her flazy eyes and her smiling eyes. So, relief.

And, if you'd like to work some collect long-distance phone charges into your puppy scheme, just say the word. Dude's an asshat.

BTW - word verification is 'ingst' - kind of what you're going through...

Thanatos said... September 24, 2009 at 11:00 AM  

Yikes, that's awesome.

You can top that though. Go to CL missed connections and post a really vague message "saw you on the bus wearing a green hoodie" and toss in some karmic shit ("perhaps it wasn't meant to be today, but will you take this chance?"). I'm sure his cup of phone-sex joy will fill and flow over.

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