Finals Blew I Barely Knew My Graduation Speech

On any given muggy summer night somewhere around 1993, you could find my friend Stefani and I hanging out at my house killing time. Because we were punk, naughty, buck the system girls, we decided to get stoned. Stefani was lucky enough to have a friend that grew his own stuff and supplied it freely as long as you agreed not to ever sell it to anyone. So I could envelope myself in a hazy cloud of lightness without feeling like I was contributing to the 'war on drugs'.

Of course, hip girls that we were, I bet you're wondering what we did afterward. Perhaps we went to Summerfest, Wisconsin's giant world class music festival or maybe Lollapaloza or Lillith Fair. We went to all of those but most nights were spent doing ridiculously fabulous things like hours worth of jigsaw puzzles, creative writing games, painting(yes, we were arsty punky girls), putting on makeup and taking pictures of each other and the pièce de résistance, making up alternate lyrics to the Diarrhea Song.

Stefani could always be counted on to be silly and we must have spent at least two hours, high as kite stuck in a Redwood, trying to rhyme, laughing until the pain in our faces and bellies eclipsed the hilarity. This was only one of many silly, goofy, teenage girl things we did. One of the things I miss about those days is how silly I was. I haven't felt silly for a long time. Playful yes, thankfully my husband is replete with ribbing and innuendo to keep me laughing and on my toes(and sometimes over his knee).

Still, I long for those carefree days of girlhood where you were only charged with yourself, responsible for no one except maybe a cat or two. Don't get me wrong, life at this end is good too. Still, while I would never go back and do these years over again, I might just like to drop in on a few of the more memorable moments. I saved those silly lyrics we wrote, so now, for your pleasure, the Poopy Song's alternate verses:

When your brother's punched you hard and your pants are filled with lard...
diarrhea, diarrhea.

When your stomach's not at ease and your ass is gonna sneeze...
diarrhea, diarrhea.

When your tract is on a roll and you gotta let it flow...
diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're visiting a castle and a chamber pots a hassle...
diarrhea, diarrhea.

When your stomachs filled with pain, it's so loose you can't restrain...
diarrhea, diarrhea.

When your cheeks are really strained it's your cushions you will stain...
diarrhea, diarrhea.

When your bowels are feelin' loose and your ass is squeezing juice...
diarrhea, diarrhea.

When your stomachs feelin' knotty and you're runnin' for the potty...
diarrhea, diarrhea.

When your ass is filled with gas but it's sludge you're gonna pass.
diarrhea, diarrhea.

When your diets filled with prunes and your sphincters in the ruins...
diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're filled up to the max and your rectum's feelin' lax...
diarrhea, diarrhea.



Good times, good times.
So you guys can just send that Pulitzer to my house.

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18 comments:

derfina said... March 2, 2009 at 6:59 PM  

Heh. This directly relates to my post today! *snort*

Dirty Pirate Hooker said... March 2, 2009 at 8:41 PM  

I am a BIG fan of the diarreah song. Still sing it with my punk and constantly make up new verses

You clever little hussy, you!

gullybogan said... March 3, 2009 at 4:48 AM  

I thought that was just a made-up song for that movie, Parenthood...

mongoliangirl said... March 3, 2009 at 6:28 AM  

OMG! I forgot all about that song and your lyrics are HILARIOUS! I admit needing to eat an entire box of cookies and then lay down on the floor to get the full affect though.

prayingtodarwin said... March 3, 2009 at 8:18 AM  

(insert slow clap here). You, madam, are a visionary. I am weeping with laughter.

Rassles said... March 3, 2009 at 8:38 AM  

You know, I've never been a fan of poo humor until now.

Gypsy said... March 3, 2009 at 10:24 AM  

There's nothing like those times when you can be unabashedly silly with your girlfriends. I find that rarer and rare as I get older. Must put a stop to that.

Anonymous said... March 3, 2009 at 7:13 PM  

wow. my cousins and I only got as far as "when you're climbing up the hill and it all begins to spill." And we added "cha cha cha" after the last diarrhea.

Gwen said... March 3, 2009 at 8:25 PM  

Like you, I don't want to relive those days but would like to visit the good times. Well the few good moments I had during that time of hell. You are completely adorable and also a great writer. If I were in charge of giving out those Pulitzer thingies, you would surely have one by now.

Baroness von B said... March 3, 2009 at 9:30 PM  

This was goofy and truly inspired. LOVED it!!!!

How timely, given that March is Colon Cancer Awareness Month. Mind if I link to this, Miss Pulitzer?

Florida Girl In Sydney said... March 4, 2009 at 1:41 AM  

Did we know each other? I think you just summed up my 1993 perfectly. Weird.

SSG said... March 4, 2009 at 2:22 AM  

hahah absolute class. I love this post, often I find myself thinking of when i was a teenager and how great it realy was, those summers being silly, no responsibility, just people to play and have a laugh with. there's not so many people that can come out to play, not so much imagination, too many external things needed for people to have a good time, i miss the times of goofing around in the sun.
And the diarrhoea song? when my boyfriend and i had food poisoning in India, between our runs to share the toilet that was in the same room as the bed (yeah... you get to know someone when you have diarrhoea infront of them) we would make up lyrics to that song...

when it's coming out your bum like a bullet from a gun, diarrhoea, diarrhoea

when it's going in the bowl faster than beckam scores a goal, diarrhoea, diarrhoea

A Free Man said... March 4, 2009 at 6:33 PM  

On its way.

I love that Aimee Mann song.

Well Read Hostess said... March 5, 2009 at 7:36 AM  

Ah memories...

Duck said... March 10, 2009 at 12:30 PM  

We once changed the words of Yellow Submarine to We all live in a toilet of poop. Toilet of poop. Etc. The rest is too icky. It involved colors.

Captain Steve said... March 12, 2009 at 10:44 PM  

Ahhh, Parenthood. I only saw half of you before my mother caught me. . . but it was special. All my schoolbus knew that song the next day.

Just wanted to say... said... March 14, 2009 at 5:40 PM  

Well, I cannot send you back in time but I do have something else that may help achieve a temporary transport to hilarity! :)

Sexy Daddy said... March 17, 2009 at 8:45 AM  

When you're starting a new job, but you wanna be a slob...

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