Ask Formerly Fun: Dude Looks Like a Lady

OK, Formerlyfun,

I recently stumbled across your blog. Don't ask me how, the web is weird like that. I read your article about your first "Manzillian" and I found it incredibly humorous. Now, let me tell you something about me that I have only told two other people on planet Earth: I am a crossdresser. I came out to my wife about a year & a half ago, and things went rather well, and things have been.... well... progressing ever since.

I remove a lot of body hair and the woman doesn't mind a bit. In fact she seems to like it. Long about November 08, I bought an Epilator. Because I was sick of shaving my legs every .00037 minutes. Apart from the massive crop of in-growns, I rather like the Epilator. It has solved the largest problems with shaving. The two biggest downsides to epilating being TIME (Oh, lord does it take time to do it right) & the PAIN!. Some areas are better than others, but overall, its devastatingly painful. This coming from a man who triathlon trained himself into doctor's orders not to even climb a single flight of stairs. It hurts worse than triathlon training ever did, yes. But I do it. I even do it on the "nether regions" and this is indescribably painful. It takes equal parts determination, motivation & stupidity. But it's worth it. Barely. Because I like smoothness.

Now you being married and knowing a man's body, and doing at least one Manzillian, are familiar with the seam that runs the vertical length of the nutbag? Yes!? This area is EXTREMELY painful and ultimately impossible to use an Epilator on. If anyone could do it, it's me. And I simply cannot. My wife buys the occasional home waxing kit and we attempted to use that. On the vertical seam & the rest of the nutbag, yes. It turns out that it works just fine. If you don't mind losing the skin there for 3 - 5 days. Would you believe that I tried it three times before giving up?Now today I have set up my first "Manzillian", which will take place one week from today. I have modified the basic program ever so slightly. I'm not interested in removing the "main swatch" of pubic hair, just north of the penis. I don't really need to. I just shave it down to 1/8", and it looks & feels fabulous. But everything else covered by the Manzillian must go. So... Is there anything I should know about this particular operation? This analogy might distract you. But imagine your husband, brother, nephew, etc. were about to have one. What would you tell him? How would you prep him? Would you tell him nothing, because there is no preparation to be had?I would truly appreciate any input that you could provide, as you are a professional in this area, and riotously fun to wit... Thanks!

Alandra

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Alandra,

First to the most pressing matter, your upcoming professional wax. The good news is that most estheticians will not do male genital waxing so if you found one who does, chances are she/he knows what they are doing. You've read my Manzilian story and that lays out the basic procedure though it may vary a little from esthetician to esthetician. I'm all about hard wax when it comes to the testicles and if I had them, I wouldn't let an Epilator or soft wax near them. The tissue, much like a female labia is very thin and prone to tearing and lifting. Hopefully your esthetician will use hard wax, if not you may tear but since you've mangled yourself you might as well give a pro a shot since if she does a good job, you can forgo DIY on this one.

The difference between hard wax and soft wax is with soft wax, the area is powdered, warm wax is applied in a thin coat and then muslin or pellon is smoothed over the wax and pulled off, often with skin attached to it, ouch! With hard wax, a thin coat of oil is applied to the skin first, then the warm hard wax is applied, this wax completely hardens and"shrink wraps" the hair but does not adhere to the skin, so when its pulled off the skin stays put, yipee!

As far as prep for your wax goes, cleanliness on your part is always appreciated. Whenever I've been faced with a client with funk, I do a hasty job figuring if you had the balls, no pun intended, to come grungy then a quickie is all you deserve, give me my money thank you see you again never. Take a Vicodin or an OTC pain reliever about and hour before your visit. Lay back and uh, enjoy the rest. If you do tear at all, slather the area where the skin lifted with Neosporin until it heals.

Now to the rest of your letter. First, congratulations! Now if your wife is really as understanding as you say, you owe it to her to go buy her something big and shiny(not a new makeup mirror because you stole hers), I mean something expensive. It can't be easy vying for bathroom time and honestly, if my husband ever got into my NARS Orgasm blush or my custom blended foundation, or my favorite YSL eyeshadow that I've had for almost 7 years because they don't make it anymore or even my MD Skincare $120 moisturizer, I would probably divorce him. I'm not even kidding.

An Epilator A Shark

See the resemblance?

Second, the Epilator? Really? Even the Bush administration refused to use Epilators on the Guantanamo Bay crowd because they felt it fell under "torture". The Epilator is so 1990 and it's no wonder you are getting ingrowns because it can break the hair just under the skin rather than pull the complete hair from the follicle like waxing thus causing it to continue growing under the skin. Get your legs, underarm, etc. waxed a few times by a pro, if you are worried that men don't wax, just tell them you swim a lot and are trying to improve your time. If you can afford to, let a pro continue to do it. If you can't, pay attention to how they do it so that you can replicate it at home. The kickass thing about 2009 is everything is online. Go to your local beauty supply store or go online and purchase the supplies and look here for a good how to. Waxing lasts much longer and it's far quicker. You can even find hard wax for your sac wax here. A little practice and you'll be on your way. Good luck with the short and curlies.

Your pal,






Formerly Fun

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14 comments:

SSG said... March 18, 2009 at 2:12 AM  

Good advice even for girlies here. Yeouch... to think i used to epilate my underarms.

Florida Girl In Sydney said... March 18, 2009 at 3:05 AM  

Epilady on the ball sac, I think if I shared that with my husband he'd probably have nightmares for the rest of the year.

mongoliangirl said... March 18, 2009 at 4:47 AM  

If I had time I would go to school to become you just so I could answer questions JUST like this one. Alandra...I fucking love you. And I love your wife even more.
You, Formerly Fun, just posted the cutest picture of yourself that I've ever seen.

Gwen said... March 18, 2009 at 5:13 AM  

I used an epilady once in high school. Never again. Thanks for all the interesting info especially regarding the different waxes. I haven't had a Brazilian in a year and summer's coming. It's time and I sort of dread it. But it is so worth it. Good call on the vicodin. I always need a good painkiller to get through the process

Dirty Pirate Hooker said... March 18, 2009 at 9:22 AM  

You're so gentle on the lady bits, it's rather relaxing being waxed by you. Speaking of which, I referred a guy to you this morning. His dominatrix mistress told him to get waxed, so he has to oblige. But don't worry, I didn't tell him who you were. Just a good waxer.

Why do I talk to this guy? Stupid twitter.

Well Read Hostess said... March 18, 2009 at 9:55 AM  

1) You are a motherfucking genius. Seriously. You are my hero. In my wildest dreams, I am about 1/8 as amazing as you are.

2) vertical strip on his nutbag???!!!! This sounds like the name of a band. I love this. I'm going to be using this someway, somehow, somewhere.

3) What I would do to be able to elicit comments/fanmail like this...what I would do.

4) Motherfucking GODDESSS you are.

5) vertical strip on the nutbag. priceless.

formerly fun said... March 18, 2009 at 10:23 AM  

ssg-
Thanks ssg, hair is hair right?

FGIS-
funny enough, while I have waxed a sac or two in my day, my husband has never let me near the dangle bits, with wax that is.

mg-
I have to say, this was one of the most fun ask formerly letters I have received and yes, you gotta give Alandra credit for bravery. And the wife? well, love is love, even if it comes at you in a dress. The picture was taken by my husband, I like it to, a little hubba hubba. Every girl should have at least one picture where she looks like a minx.

gwen-
I need a vicodin to get through lots of days, wax or no wax:) You know, I have a very high pain threshold and that paired with frugality led me to start waxing myself, which turned into waxing friends, which turned into a second career, go figure.

DPH-
I think many more men have dominatrices than one would imagine. It's called a wife in my house, bu-dump-bump. Yes, I love that I can say I've seen the Dirty Pirate Hooker's Dirty Shame Place. Thanks for the referral, a referrals a referral:)Plus if he has a dominatrix, he'll probably follow directions well.

WRH-
Well,thank you, you are plenty amazing. BTW, I really want to join the book club,I'm trying to see if I can actually carve out some time to read, what happened to my life? As for the fanmail. ask formerly, yeah, that one was pretty awesome. Good thing too cause I'm kind of in a slump so answering a question was perfect. Yours truly, nutbag:)

I'm Nate's Mom said... March 19, 2009 at 6:57 AM  

Glad you're back . . . and on the ball, too.

Love ya!

Dirty Pirate Hooker said... March 19, 2009 at 9:35 AM  

Always lookin' out for my wax nazi!

Well Read Hostess said... March 20, 2009 at 5:02 AM  

I hope he doesn't live in New Jersey... I read yesterday that New Jersey is considering banning Brazilian waxes.

I'm assuming it's because they are racist and have a thing about South America.

Rassles said... March 20, 2009 at 9:28 AM  

That epilady business is terrifying. I would want it nowhere near my business.

And I do mean business.

Arizaphale said... March 21, 2009 at 6:59 PM  

I am speechless, but enlightened, by this post. On a recent trip to Sydney I heard a body builder speaking rather loudly on a cell phone about his 'back, sack and crack' wax. He was travelling some distance out into the western suburbs for his regular de-hair, so a good waxer must be worth the train fare.

Bluestreak said... April 11, 2009 at 11:33 AM  

Dammit, why are they using soft wax on my vag?! The amateurs.

disa said... December 10, 2009 at 5:59 AM  

I love it ! Very creative ! That's actually really cool Thanks.

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