The Life of the REAL Housewife of Orange County

Well, thankfully, my husband getting a job is no longer a concern. Today I received a wonderful letter in the email that puts all my fears to rest.

Dear Friend,

This letter may come as a surprise since we have not yet met. I have no intentions of causing you pains so i decide to contact you through this medium .As you read this, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday.

My name is SALAM JAFER, a merchant in Dubai, in the U.A.E. I have been diagnosed with prostate and esophageal Cancer that was discovered very late due to my laxity in caring for my health. It has defiled all form of medicine and right now, I have only about a few WEEKS to live according to medical experts.I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was hostile to people and only focus on my business.

But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world. I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it. Now that I know my
time is near, I have willed and given most of my properties and assets to my immediate and extended family members and as well as a few close friends. I am writing this from my laptop computer As my last days alive are drawing closer and closer I have resolved to give my remaining funds to charity organizations as I want this to stand as one of the last deeds I indulge in on earth before I die.

I am contacting you with this as the last of my funds which no one knows of is a cash deposit of Eighteen million U.S Dollars stashed in 2 trunk boxes and declared as Personal effects of high security value which I have with a finance/Security Company in Europe. All I am asking of you is to assist me in making the collection of this deposit and dispatching the funds to any charity of your choice after keeping 20% of the funds for yourself and your family.10% of these funds should be to cover any expenses that might be incurred in the process of making this claims. Please contact me as soon as you get this email if you are capable and sincere to handle this transaction on my behalf so I can forward you with all relevant documents necessary for the claims and the name of the security firm where the funds are deposited. Please respond to me on this email address if you are willing to assist me, May God Bless You. Salam Jafer

See, given his infirm condition, I am thinking I could really get in this guy's good graces. If I could help him, he would no doubt reward me with a paltry piece of his fortune, I was thinking something like $3.6 million, 'cause I'm not greedy and in the process I get to give away the rest and feel just like Oprah watching people go all kinds of apeshit. So hubs, you can stop the job search because Easy Street is just ahead.

ICYMI: Oprah's Favorite-- AHHHHHHH! @ Yahoo! Video

On a separate note, I really like to write, it rarely feels like work to me and it's the perfect nonsocial social outlet. The difficult thing is getting time to write, time to get into that space where the words flow freely, where they aren't forced or contrived, they just jibe.

Tonight I was in that place, in the office, plunking away at the keyboard, the stuff just flying out of my fingertips, headphones on with new music lighting my way when I feel a tap on my shoulder, I jump slightly and turn around, hubs is standing there.

"Yes?" I ask in a tone that says, I'm in the middle of a creative tsunami, whatdaya want?
"You need to see this Chris" hubs says gravely.
"Look what the bebe drew, oh my god, I really need to show you this. Come see."
"Fine," I get up and plod to the family room.

I am expecting maybe some circles since she has only been drawing lines and punchy little dots.
"What do you think she's trying to tell us, should we be worried?" he asks.

Jesus, I'm never gonna get a book published.

On another note, can I just say it is so cold here right now that you could hang heavy winter coats from my tattersons(boobies). It's 45 degrees. Now I know I know, all my friends and family in Wisconsin are probably thinking, fuck you Wimpy McWimperson but here's the thing. My wonderful old stony, heavy leaded double windowed insulated brick duplex nestled in the heart of beautiful Wauwatosa Wisconsin with it's gentle radiator heat and fireplace knew how to keep a girl warm. Yes, it was beastly when you had to go out and shovel but inside it was toasty.

The houses in Southern California on the other hand, are made out of slightly thick paper. I have a headband on right now because the draft is so bad that my hair is whipping in my face and I can't see. This is not a place that was meant to be below sixty. Most people wear flip flops 75% of the time, scarves are for fashion purposes only and most of our stores sell winter coast for about five minutes before they put them away and get out the beach wear.

On yet another note, in light of our precarious financial position, giant inheritance from Salam Jafer not withstanding, I have taken several measures to save us money. We don't eat out very often but we occasionally indulge in Pinkberry. It is so good and the fruit is always perfectly ripe, flavorful and not pretty but tasteless like so many of the berries I buy at the store. The frozen yogurt really tastes like yogurt, not watery ice cream. It's also deceptively low in calories.
It's also kind of pricey. At about three bucks per, as a family of five, we're talking like fifteen bucks here, something we can't spare right now. Still, I don't want the kids to feel deprived so "Pinkberry" a la mom.

"But Mom, the yogurt's warm and the fruit is frozen."
"Well, they changed their formula," I told them.

It's mommaberry bitches, get used to it.

I also have been shopping at a store called the Grocery Outlet. This is a very good place. It's not crappy melamine filled products from China, it's straight from the manufacturer. It's overruns, old packaging, crooked labels, Awareness campaigns that have come and gone, runs of stuff that never took off. It is not dented botulism riddled cans and past the expiration date goods.

For instance, one product I got for the kids is called Fiber-Filled Health Biscuits. The ingredients are great and all-organic, no high fructose corn syrup, no trans-fat, but the way they are marketed is unappealing which is probably why they languished as bright shiny boxes of cookies flew off the shelves. The health biscuits, they taste great and as far as cookies go, they are healthy.

Another product I got is the off brand version of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish. Those goldfish crackers are good but damn expensive. Here in Southern California, a family size box is like nine dollars. Goldfish-shaped crackers are trademarked so instead we get:

Do these crackers not just scream poor happy?

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Anonymous said... December 22, 2008 at 1:40 AM  

Quackums! what a great name! and that duck sure looks happy to me! You'd rather eat a duck than a goldfish anyways, right?

Anonymous said... December 22, 2008 at 1:40 AM  

PS. those nipples are Scary

derfina said... December 22, 2008 at 9:07 AM  

Holy moly! A wee bit nipply there, eh? You could hang meat off of those (everso perky) doorknockers!

Anonymous said... December 22, 2008 at 9:24 AM  

the ducks should put those pesky fish in their place. I mean, who decided that 'gold fish' were the 'in' thing to eat? why not green frogs, or purple salamanders. Why did the gold fish win the food lottery? next time i'm over I'm punking some gold quackers. That's right, you heard me. Tell the kids uncle Nia depleted their quackers stores.

Bimbo Baggins said... December 22, 2008 at 12:47 PM  

Dude, FINALLY someone who will sympathize (I totally butchered that word, huh?) with me on the 45 degree weather! It's fucking cold, huh?!?!? Where again is this outlet store? I need to start shopping there.

I just spend $188 at STATER BROS! this weekend.

A Free Man said... December 23, 2008 at 2:36 AM  

45 is cold in these parts as well, but you are going to have a tough sell to the 90% of the u.s. that is apparently under 12 feet of snow.

And ducks are way cooler than goldfish.

Anonymous said... December 23, 2008 at 8:34 AM  

For me? They just scream.

Rassles said... December 23, 2008 at 12:39 PM  

You better finish your book, because I wanna read the fuck out of it. And then someday I'll finish my screenplay, and everything will be published and we can get pet unicorns.

Gypsy said... December 23, 2008 at 1:09 PM  

I would be delighted if we had a grocery outlet here. Alas, no such luck.

Also, I saw a bra the other day that simulated the whole cold nipple situation.

Candice said... December 23, 2008 at 10:17 PM  

Nice rack. You could totally poke an eye out with those things.

Bluestreak said... January 6, 2009 at 8:46 AM  

people that live in milder climates always get screwed on the lack of insulation. I'm in the same boat here, in beautiful Southern Spain freezing my arse off in a poorly made house.

Ranting Raconteure said... September 24, 2009 at 6:41 PM  

OMG I love Grocery Outlet. There's one about a half mile from my house. Go there all the time.

I was raised to be super frugal. . .my friends call me "the coupon queen." but they've finally realized how much money i've saved them. i will soon have a whole army of coupon clippers.


Unknown said... September 15, 2010 at 5:19 AM  

great post - love the blog, and that rack of yours!!! thanks for the pic

Unknown said... September 15, 2010 at 5:19 AM  

great post - love the blog, and that rack! thanks for the pic!!!

qamar said... May 19, 2017 at 11:39 PM  

thanks for sharing

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