Big Surprise...Another Rant

I know, I know, I'm not funny anymore, I write like I "want to win some Reader's Digest award", I'm a downer, blah, blah, blah... First of all, yes, I am currently afflicted with some kind of low-grade writer's block and it will pass eventually, just like last night's street taco dinner(I probably just need antibiotics). Second, there's a lot of stuff going on and I am up to my eyeballs in detritus that no one besides me cares about(and sometimes my husband when he gets a free thought moment that isn't clouded with techie engineer crud and paying our mortgage.) Third, fuck you, I am funny and if you waxed vag all day, you'd realize that you can't do that job and not be funny. So, if I want to rant and rave, well as Bobby Brown says(and we know that he is oh so sage and quotable)"It's my prerogative."

So here goes, FormerlyFun decree #213

People, please stop cheating on your spouses.*

Now if me saying that makes you angry, you are probably doing someone something you shouldn't. Knock it off.

Honestly, isn't this kind of like having to tell kids not to wipe their nose on their sleeve? Doesn't it really go without saying? Come on, you promised, the rules were clearly laid out, it's not like the Columbia record club and you just signed hoping for the free cd, never really thinking about the others that would come later.

Grow up. It's unfair. Unfair to your partner, your kids if you have them, your friends and family who have probably made effort and room for this person you brought into their lives. It's unfair to you. You deserve better. If you're not happy, get out, get happy. If you can't get out then turn your energy inward and as Tim Gunn says, "Work it out." Most of the unhappily married people I know can get out. It would just be much more challenging than staying put. Yes, maybe you'd be poor for a while or not have a date for the company function or be the talk of your town or have to go back to work or downgrade your lifestyle or admit you wanted better for yourself or confront your families or disappoint your kids or feel like the latest failure..... But you would be free to figure out what you want or who you are or whatever.

But FF you say, I fell in love, I really love this new one. I call bullshit because love is something you work at and cherish and protect. Love is not some woman in your office that "gets" you or some man who is unable to communicate frustration to his wife and therefore needs you to make it bearable... If you love someone that much then leave them alone you are going to ruin their life(don't care) and probably a lot of other's who didn't get to decide they wanted their families torn apart(do care). And the fun part about marriage is(with very few exceptions), you bring half the problems so they are likely going to trail just behind you right into the next relationship unless you deal with them in the current one.

The grass is rarely greener. That guy who is wooing you now is just someone else's version of your husband that seems better because you don't share the conflicts that come with combining your life with another person. And mister, that twentysomething will get older and nag you just like the one you have now except you are going to have to work even harder to keep her happy because really, she's out of your league. And someday, when you have old man boobs and you are trying to make the last wisps of your hair cover your liverspotted head, she is going to be looking at you wondering whatthe hell she did and hoping the payout is there because there had better be a payout for bedding your old ass.

*I am not addressing any of you specifically, only the current near epidemic of shenanigans I am seeing around me and yes, I said shenanigans because I have the vocabulary of an eighty-five year old woman.

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Chamuca said... October 5, 2009 at 4:53 PM  

I LOVE the word shenanigans. I say it all the time. As well as referring to establishments with the word "the".

"I'm going to the Wal-Mart."
"There were weirdos at the 7-11."
"We are going to eat at the Izzy's."

Speaking of old-ladism's and Izzy's, I also love buffets. It has to be pronounced BU-ffet. So I'm a white-trash old lady, I guess.

Anyway, glad you're posting again. And cheating spouses are the scum o' the earth.

A Free Man said... October 5, 2009 at 8:45 PM  

I used the word 'neat' no less than a dozen times in my lecture this morning, effectively convincing my students that I am the Wally Cleaver.

And speaking of the Beaver... uh... uh....

Sorry, can't come up with a good genital waxing segue/joke.

As for cheating. Cheating is for cowards and fuckwits. I instantly lose respect for someone when I find out they're an adulterer. And no longer trust them.

Anonymous said... October 5, 2009 at 9:16 PM  

Shenanigans is the new black.

And do you get a pass for cheating on your spouse if your spouse has really bad hair and is mean to you all the time and you have 8 kids and a TV show?

Just wondering...

Heather said... October 5, 2009 at 9:39 PM  

Cheating. Hmm.

I have to say only one thing and it is not in support of cheating. Cheating is nothing but trouble, pain, and disappointment for you and your family (daughter of cheater here).

But marriage is the biggest dupe ever. Deciding at a tender (read: stupid) age that you are locking in for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, can be like serving a life sentence.

If I could go back in time: kids yes, marriage no. It is not about baggage it is about being tied to another's decisions with no input. Just another set of pieces to cobble together.

Sandi said... October 6, 2009 at 8:22 AM  

When we were first married my husband'd friend was cheating on his then-wife with his now-wife. He wanted to bring his mistress to a party we were having and I went batshit crazy. That was NOT going to happen in MY home. I was highly criticized by the rest of hubby's friends and their wives who all entertained the cheating couple. WTF?

Ginny said... October 6, 2009 at 8:28 AM  

My favorite thoughts on this subject are something I read on a blog, once.

Most women who cheat are just trading in their fat, slob husbands, for someone ELSE'S fat slob husband. And vice versa.

Oh HEY, that was THIS blog. You're so damn wise.

The things you must have to hear in a day's work. Crap.

Rassles said... October 6, 2009 at 9:24 AM  

Just a little aside, and I want to say this with the greatest intentions possible:

I fucking hate cheaters. Hate them. I once "told on" one of my friends. She cheated on her boyfriend (also a good friend) for years. Years. Using me as an excuse. Finally I told her that I was not going to lie for her anymore, I was not going to be her fallback every time she didn't go home with her boyfriend. She needed to either end her relationship, or her cheating, or stop using me as her excuse, because I refused to lie anymore.

Needless to say, telling her boyfriend was the hardest phone call I had to make...but really, she'd been dating him for eight years, and had cheated on him with at the very least twenty or so guys. It's not fair to him. It's not fair to one of my good friends that his girlfriend is a slut and accidentally gave him herpes because she's a cheater.

Then she accused me of trying to steal her boyfriend.

Anonymous said... October 6, 2009 at 10:34 AM  

I thought of this blog today. I am leaving this anonymous as I don't want to be stoned...

At my psychiatrist today, he told me that as I am in a dead end marriage one thing I could do is look to have a discrete affair.

So, that would make me the sly vixen.

I think the secret is that the cheater doesn't really care about the wife/hubby and kids and they don't feel badly at all. Sorry.

formerly fun said... October 6, 2009 at 10:39 AM  

I love the "thes" too and made up words like ginormous or tambaringos(boobies...

I lose respect too. I am not at all religious but I have a firmly planted moral compass. Oh, I fuck up all the time but you'll never see me try to justify it.

hmmmm, no pass, sorry. The cheater you speak of was dumb b/c 1- you're in the spotlight, people are begging to see you fail, a wife finding out in part through the public media is so damaging. Even if she's a beast, no one deserves that. He needed to stnd up for himself, be man enough to set some boundaries, go get therapy to communicate better or end the relationship, get therapy to work out issues before getting into another relationship. And the new gf? Come on.

I agree with you on marriage, many of the couples I have seen cheat married way too young. It took me until my late 20's early 30s to really see what was going to be needed for me to be happy as an adult. I get very anxious and stressed about financial problems having grown up with a single working mom trying to make ends meet so I consciously and probably subconsciously weeded out guys who were not hard workers, laid back about money and excessive/irrespnsible spenders. I'm not a gold digger, I also worked hard to have a steady, supportable income but I knew if I ended up with the guy I was trying to avoid, I would end up divorced eventually. I wouldn't have had the forethought for that at 25. If someone's already there? That's tough.

Good for you for making the obvious but scarily unpopular choice. There's a difference between staying out of something and supporting something. People who are unhappy in their marriages need to work to make them better or get out. I don't see how people think there is a middle ground???

I have clients, coworkers, friends all cheating. They are women, men, and almost all of them are married. Some of them I really care about which is why I worry for them, what will happen to their lives.(oh and thank you, I love you too)

I had the convo with an aquaintence who was cheating on my friend, "you tell him or I will tell him." I had to tell him, ugh. One of my biggest problems with cheating is you can damage a person for life. By fucking around with someone else, you are sending so many messages to your current partner, most of which you probably we not intending. It can damage someone for a long time. I saw a friend so totally crushed by it that she still struggles to trust her current husband, who is a great, stand-up guy. It's just not worth it.

Anonymous said... October 25, 2009 at 4:13 PM  

So your message to someone in a bad marriage with, say, small children, is either: (1)go ahead and hurt your spouse and kids by leaving, reduce everyone's (kids included) standard of living, probably have to sell your house and see your kids move into an apartment, spend thousands on legal fees, suffer the disapproval of family and friends for leaving a seemingly (from the outside) perfectly good spouse OR (2) turn your energy toward accepting your miserable fate and marching dutifully to your grave, a martyr to the Institution Of Marriage? All because a little sex on the side is so much more HORRIBLE than those alternatives? Horrible to who? Surely not to someone in that situation. Horrible only to prudes standing on the outside. People who arrogantly assume other people deserve their problems and that they would never face anything like that themselves. Or if they did, they, of course, would behave like angels. In truth they would all do precisely what everyone throughout time -- good people (even great -- Presidents, Nobel Peace prize winners) and bad -- have done: have an affair. Or can you honestly say that if your husband hadn't touched you in years you would immediately choose divorce and all its heartache over discreetly sleeping with the nice, sexy guy flirting with you at Starbuck's? Seriously?

Despite the tone of this comment, I want to tell you that it is only because I like your blog and think you're cool that I take the trouble to disagree with you. Sorry you've had "stuff" lately, and I look forward to your next rant.

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