Top Things I Learned from the Real Housewives


From the Orange County Crew:

1. It's okay to wear $800 shoes even if you can't pay your rent.
2. Talking to your girlfriends about your marital problems rather than your husband is a much better way to resolve them.
3. The best way to bond with your kids is smoking pot or downing tequila shots.
4. When you have had a rough year with your husband, the best way to renew your commitment to being married isn't counseling or commitment, it's a tattoo of his name on your finger or a lavish vow renewal ceremony and presents.
5.Eviction notices are no reason to stop shopping, in fact, shopping might be the best way to feel better about the cardboard box you are about to live in.
6.It's good to be conscious about the environment. The best way? Recycle boyfriends.
7.Crafting might make you a millionaire.
8.Always look like an aging Las Vegas tranny showgirl. Always.
9Your underage kids showing up at your work party drunk is no reason to go home.
10.Working out is a job.

From the New York Girls:
1. Money can't buy you class but it can get a "spoken word" song produced.
2. It's perfectly normal to go on vacation with people you can't stand.
3. When you don't want to hear uncomfortable truths, just keep saying "zip it" in people's faces.
4. Deranged is the new black.
5. Gossiping IS a job.
6. Posing for nude pictures for your husband is whorish but spreading your "Betty" for Playboy is classy.
7. When the going gets tough, the tough buy seemingly endless amounts of high ticket luxury goods.
8. Husbands are one part drama fodder, two parts cash machine.
9. Insist that the help always call you by your most formal name or title.
10.The USDA pyramid actually looks something like this:
Botox
Retalyne
Collagen Silicone
Prescription Drugs
From the Jersey Housewives:
1. If you go to a child's cancer fundraiser with a bunch of uninvited mob bruisers and Hell's Angels(whom you have not bought tickets for), and you are not welcomed warmly, someone is out to get you.
2. It's normal for parents to spend thousands of dollars on clothes for little girls, tens of thousands on a birthday party and then declare bankruptcy hoping to skirt over $11 million in debt.
3. They're called bubbies, not breasts.
4. Stripper car washes will be bigger than the Ipad, just wait.
5. When the camera start rolling is the optimal time to go off your meds.
6. Delusion is a requirement and an art form that can always be elevated.
7. Infant christenings are the new weddings. What do you mean you don't have a DJ?
8.Never upstage your stage mom.
9.There is absolutely no irony in saying you're a nice girl while you deftly work a stripper pole.
10. If you join on as a RH, you get a jewelry line, a tell-all book, a cookbook, a parenting book, a gay club themed single or a sex-tape, your choice.

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